What is hurting me the most?

It is with some delight to say that it has been a good week. My psychologist, Gary, has been helpful in helping me deal with the sudden onslaught of frozen paralysis, "knives", fear, etc. that just comes my way. What I am experiencing is my sub-conscious brain just going wild and free. You see, the sub-conscious knows no record of time (so yesterday is like today), not to mention that it has the brains of a three year old child since the conscious brain holds the 'smarts' (for all practical purposes, I will call my sub-conscious my 'dumb brain'). My past has been one of turmoil, abuse, and shame-- abuse, divorce, high demands by authority figures, etc. In addition, the chemical imbalance causing my depression is making matters worse. It is no wonder why I struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder and "voices" in my head--don't get me wrong, we all have voices in our head but my voices become manipulative, controlling, and bring me down to levels of paranoia, depression, and intense anxiety that it becomes uncontrollable. With the medication, it has come under control and has helped me feel normal enough to deal with the issue. This doesn't stop the dumb brain however as it still continues to attack with shame and guilt causing me to head towards a tailspin. I have learned this is my dumb brain attempting to resolve the spritiual, emotional, and psychological conflict of insufficiency, shame, divorce, high demads of authority figure, etc. through the only means that it knows (as it was the thing it was trained to do from early on): through more shame and high demands. With that said, I am now learning to essentially "talk back" to myself, saying, "Dumb brain, I know you are trying to help me, but you are not helping me so I will ignore you" The point is to diffuse what the source of the shame, to re-teach it truth and not allow the things of the past, present, and future bring me down to the point where there is no hope and no future. Case in point: last Thursday I began reading an e-mail sent to me by Christianity Today Movies where it had an article on Star Wars. As an aside, I am not a Star Wars nut--personally, Star Trek is more intelligent and enjoyable for me--but I do enjoy the fairy tale and science fiction aspect of the whole series, especially its major themes of falling from grace and, ultimately, redemption. Anyway, the article began telling the story about how its author was really looking forward to Episode III coming out next month, halfway through the story he began bringing his story towards an e-mail he received from some individual with a link to a web site insisting Christians "fast" from Star Wars and insisting to not give into temptation and to consider your walk with Christ being threatened from the 'evils' of Star Wars. Immediately, knives starting shooting out not only from my hands but, for the first time, from my feet as well. The voices in my head were screaming at me to give up everything else my salvation would be on the line, my relationship with Christ destoyed, etc. It froze me for about ten seconds before I immediately deleted the e-mail and began talking back to disarm the attack by own mind. It worked...

I have more to write but little time...suffice to say, it was a good week because I am learning to talk back to that which is hurting me the most: myself.