Is this what "normal" feels like????

I can say this much, I THINK I feel normal today. In fact, miracles of miracles, I prayed this morning...just a simple prayer. Nothing fancy, nothing spectacular, more like three-four sentences but it was a stepping stone for me. You see, most of the voices and panic attacks that I experienced occurred in the morning (as I am most vulnerable in the morning). For once, I prayed something like this: "God, thank you for life. Thank you that I do not have to listen to the voices in my head. Thank you for creating me and accepting me as I am not as I should be. I praise your Holy name. Amen"

...and you know what, I heard NOTHING. No condemnation, no orders to open up a kiddie park in Walla Walla, Washington, no fear that if I pray I will have to "give it all up over and over and over and over and over and over...etc." again to be worthy before God. NOTHING. Alleluia!!

You see, it is the fear of the voices and fear of hearing the next "command" of God (i.e.God's next marching order for me to do else face whatever) that kept me away, drove me to fear anything spritual. It is still hard for me to go to church, I don't like it as all I hear now is "do this" and "do that". Gary has been saying, and I agree with him, that this time in my life, I need messages of Grace, Love, Acceptance, Redemption, etc. not the "dos" and "don'ts" of Christian spritual disciplines. It is with this knowledge that I have decided to take a sabatical away from my current church. Nothing wrong with my current church by no means, but it is in a different place then where I am at right now. My church's messages are teaching spiritual disciplines...I hear the word "discipline" and I freak. I need grace, I need mercy, I need somewhere I can be myself and not have to be told to be something more than what I can give.

Two weeks ago, I went to visit a Lutheran church. I was raised Lutheran and so I thought it might be of some help to me to kind of go "back to my roots", back to where my faith started and "start over" again. It was ok...I really enjoy the liturgy now more than I ever did before in my youth. Guess you have to be older to really get a liturgy and to really appreciate formal public worship. I will be trying a different church next week. My wife, God bless her, has had great patience. She still attends the current church and probably thinks I am going "through a phase". Who knows...

What I am so grateful for now is that I do not have to worry about holiness any longer, because of Jesus, I can face tomorrow without shame. I can face life without fear (but still find it ok to be afraid). I can enjoy life without condemnation. Am I starting to become more "normal"? If so, it is still quite scary. What is normal anyway? Are we ever normal until we are at home with Jesus? Perhaps that is what this sacred journey is all about: getting things back to normal, the way things were meant to be. Alas, I have given myself much time to get back to "normal" ...perhaps we are all in recovery and just only a few of us, who are really messed up, truly ever realize it. If that is the case, if it points me back to sufficiency in Christ vs. me worrying about what I have done (or didn't do) for Him, oh blessed recovery!!