A breath of fresh air....at church no less!

Last Sunday, I went to a semi-liturgical Lutheran service--an attempt to get back to my roots of where I originally found faith--and was 'confronted' with this truth: Christian living is not about perfection, it is about growth. It was as if the words were sinking in my sub-conscious for the first time and I just wanted to laugh for joy as it was the first time in a long time I had heard such a freeing statement coming from a pastor that actually contributed to helping me towards healing from my obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

I am still too scared to read the Bible...scared it will do the same things the voices have done and 'force' me to do things I cannot do. While this is probably OCD, I have not the strength to fight it. This will come in time I imagine.

Check out this article from Jeff Overstreet: http://www.lookingcloser.org/music/favorites2004.htm (I know, you see me post a lot from him, I just appreciate his insight into things...I will try to find other authors too someday). This flies straight in the face of traditional evangelicals who wish to have everything 'pure' in their music and distinguish between christian and 'secular' lyrics.

How the music of U2 is a healing salve over my gaping wounds...

I have begun to listen to a lot of the group U2 lately and they are quickly becoming one of my favorite groups of all time. I am only now beginning to realize the importance they have had in my healing. Since the vast majority of the lyrics are written by Bono, the lead singer, it is really a reflection on his journey of faith, political struggles, and reflections on love and life. If you actually take time to reflect on his lyrics, the man is truly one great poet who, I believe, is a true Christian believer despite the flack he receives for his vast wealth and questionable behavior (and I am not the only one...see Jeff Overstreet's blog on the issue: http://lookingcloser.blogspot.com/2005/05/for-those-still-telling-me-bono-isnt.html).
It is his commentary on faith, both direct and indirect, that he communicates the joys, struggles, and hope found in faith.
It is this direct and raw realism that has communicated to my spirit and has allowed to let the real Chris Hjelmberg every so slightly move out of his box for God to slowly take and heal his shivering soul. Lets face it folks, I am scared of God sometimes...scared that He will force me to do something beyond what I can bear, suck all the joy I have in doing the activities I enjoy, both spiritual and non-spiritual including hobbies, work, church activities, etc.. and, worse yet, scared to realize that my salvation from the blood of Christ never really occurred because I haven't given enough (or, to use the evangelical cliche, "giving 100%") of my life to Jesus Christ and to serving Him fully (like that is truly possible...if it were, I think there would be no need for Christ to come in the first place).
Legalism/spiritual perfectionism has sucked me dry and I need a drop from the Living Water to begin growing fruit once again and to serve again, without fear, with the gifts, courage, and talents God has given me, and with JOY.
With this fear, I have turned away from most "Christian" music as it has done me more harm then good (a lot of it, even worship music, is too preachy for me and not a true reflection of life and its vast struggles...alas, how I wish for more true talent that isn't placed against a filter of 'spiritual purity', that hasn't all its spiritual I's and T's crossed/dotted, something real that says, "Hey! I don't have it all together either folks even though you think I should since I am this 'big' singer and all. Here are MY struggles...). It is here that I have turned to instrumental music and U2:

--U2 has shown me it is ok to get what is on the inside, to the outside--i.e. like God don't know anyway...you just probably aren't honest with yourself in the first place. A couple songs have shown this to me (I include the lyrics for reflective purposes--due to the fact that I would be writing a book if I commented extensively on each of them, I encourage you to see beyond my intial commentary and find your own meaning):

I Still Haven't Found What I am Looking For
(see this as a gospel song...I believe and trust in all the right Person, but, yet, I still search and yearn for something I can get my hands around)

I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found What I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what I am looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colours will bleed into one
But yes I'm still running
You broke the bonds
You loosed the chains
You carried the cross
And my shame
And my shame
You know I believe it
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Wake up Dead Man
(the lyrics shock most Christians, but, please see beyond the one swear word and reflect on why he says it vs. judging the man who said it...is it not a reflection of reality in its true form, can he not truly express the rawness of his pain and present the question of "WHY?")

Jesus, Jesus help me
I'm alone in this world
and a f**cked up world it is too
tell me, tell me the story
the one about eternity
and the way it's all gonna be
WAKE UP WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Jesus, I'm waiting here boss
I know you're looking out for us
but maybe your hands aren't free
your Father, He made the world in seven
He's in charge of heaven
will you put a word in for me
WAKE UP WAKE UP DEAD MAN

listen to your words they'll tell you what to do
listen over the rhythm that's confusing you
listen to the reed in the saxaphone
listen over the hum of the radio
listen over sounds of blades in rotation
listen through the traffic and circulation
listen as hope and peace try to rhyme
listen over marching bands playing out their time
WAKE UP WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Jesus, were you just around the corner?
did You think to try and warn her?
or are you working on something new?
If there's an order in all of this disorder
is it like a tape recorder?
can we rewind it just once more.
WAKE UP WAKE UP DEAD MAN

--I have learned that judgementalism and over zealousness for the proclamation of THE truth, --without grace, mercy, and understanding that you too fit in this thing called the human condition--becomes something more deadly and damaging to the chosen cause then you dare to dream. It is this zealousness of others that has led to much damage within my life.

Please
(my favorite U2 song of all time)

so you never knew love until you crossed the line of grace
and you never felt wanted till you had someone slap your face
so you never felt alive until you almost wasted away

you had to win
you couldn't just pass
the smartest ass
at the top of the class
your flying colours
your family tree
and all your lessons in history

please...please...please get up off your knees...please...please...please...leave me out of this
please

and you never knew how low you'd stoop to make that call
and you never knew what was on the ground till they made you crawl
and you never knew that the heaven you keep you stole

your catholic blues
your convent shoes
your stick on tattoos
now they're making the news
your holy war
your northern star
your sermon on the mount
from the boot of your car
please...please...please get up off your knees...please...please...please...leave me out of this
please

so love is hard and love is tough
but love is not what you're thinking of.

september...streetss capsizing...spilling over down the drain
...shards of glass splinters like rain but you could only feel your own pain...
october...talking getting nowhere...november...december...remember...
are we just starting again...?

please...please...please get up off your knees...please...please...please...leave me out of this

so love is big bigger than us
but love is not what you're thinking of
IT'S what lovers deal it's what lovers steal
you know I've found it hard to receive
'cause you my love I could never believe

--That despite the vast love of my Father for me, the fact I still run away many times, much like Adam did in the garden, is nothing new and my Holy Father (Bless His Holy name!) still adores His child. I can approach Him as I am, not as I should be.

The First Time
(I still cry upon hearing this song as the depths of my soul relate to this painful, yet hopeful lyric)

I have a lover
A lover like no other
She got soul, soul, soul, sweet soul
And she teach me how to sing

Shows me colours when there's none to see
Gives me hope when I can't believe that
For the first time I feel love

I have a brother,
When I'm a brother in need
I spend my whole time running
He spends his running after me

When I feel myself goin' down
I just call and he comes around
But for the first time I feel love

My father is a rich man
He wears a rich man's cloak
Gave me the keys to his kingdom (coming)
Gave me a cup of gold
He said "I have many mansions
And there are many rooms to see"
But I left by the back door
And I threw away the key...
For the first time
For the first time
For the first time
I feel love

--Last, but not least, I have relearned the definition of grace. 100% distilled 180 proof bottle of pure grace that I can never drink enough of.

Grace

Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace, it's the name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

This is certainly not the complete list of songs but just a taste of what the lyrics and music of U2 have helped me. For that, I thank God for His provision and for His everlasting faithfulness.