...as I start to wonder....

ok...title makes things sound like I am going to go all philisophical and stuff, but I find it interesting. The moment I start to wonder on the mysteries of faith and the mysteries of God, I begin to freak out again. I am suddenly afraid of God...afraid that I will stand before Him and hear those ever awful words, "Begone. I never knew you." I know that these words were from a different context within the scriptures, but it doesn't matter. I still feel the fear grip and choke that I run away from God when I should be moving towards Him. Eeegads...what has happened to me. My wife feels like she married a different man now(or so I think...and what she has hinted). It is not that I wish for a life back but more for a life of hope and peace that surpasses all understanding. This isn't doubt so much as my OCD just going ga ga and having its way with me. But I shall not give it power: Dear God, as I pray, forgive me for the doubts I DO have, lead me towards your tender mercies, and lead me towards a life of joy.

I was reading an old friend's e-mail to me and she wrote:

"I have grown through all the struggles of my life and now I live, with hope in the new life the Risen Christ brings. I live, uncertain of my future, true, but with ever increasing joy and creative discovery of God's presence within it."

I know one of the many purposes of pain is to draw us closer to the source of life found in Christ--but, wow...to still find joy despite it is another thing all together. I can only hope that I can understand this someday as I am afraid to heal (ironically), afraid to die and, more-so, afraid to live as any dream I had has been, as described as such in the past but still true, raped away from me. I just feel like I want to dissapear as if I didn't exist.

But the hope now is that despite this stuff, I am better still. I am stable and can approach the idea of healing. I am regularly seeing Gary (therapist) again and he is patiently walking me towards the safe path of Christ (screw those Christians who want to make the Christian walk all about not being 'safe'...screw them!!! I can't stand those who would put a millstone around the neck of those who can barely stand as it is--saying that those who hope in the living Saviour--the Saviour who has claimed that his load is easy and his burdon is light--is anathema to me!. Hope this middle finger I am displaying is 'safe' enough for you)

(sorry about the rant....one of the many things I am working on is the fear of Christians....which is beyond ironic since I AM ONE!!!)

Anyway, onward and onward....have a good night.