Weekends stink!

I think most of my 'stuff'' is happening on a weekend. Not only is the weekend when going to church occurs, but there is time to be more reflective and, for me, that is dangerous. Just yesterday, I was going to a wedding and was actually looking forward to it. I was really wanting to bless the bride and groom and honestly wanted to pray for them and with them in their journey of faith together--until my OCD stepped in and ruined it all. It immediately attacked me and, specifically, started saying that I MUST be rid of video games (I am a semi-avid gamer). The sermon during church started setting me off too as I was beginning to feel constrained and attacked by certain phrases: Jesus is Lord, Center your life around Christ, Be like Jesus, etc. I couldn't focus or pray and instead of me focusing on contributing prayer and support for the couple, I had to do whatever I could to keep me sane (needless to say, the program I was holding became pulp as I crushed it so much to help me deal with things). My mind cannot help but think of lists of the do's and don'ts and if I begin focusing on them, things get worse. Well despite my efforts, throughout the day, especially in the late evening, I began experiencing panic attacks. My breathing picked up so heavily that I almost couldn't breathe. I even contemplated going to the emergency room as I thought I was having a heart attack.

My OCD is either getting smarter or I am getting dumber. It is not attacking me so much with voices (though they are still subtlety there sometimes) but with sudden impulses of random theological attacks. I found myself constantly saying, "I am done with this." "I can't measure up to these demands." "I can no longer be a Christian as I can't follow these commands" and I sometimes don't even know what specific things I am saying this against!! It typically, however, has to do with, "Jesus is Lord of your life or else", "Your desires and dreams are irrelevant in this world"; "If you are to be a true follower of Jesus, you must be rid of video games, movies, [name your own activity you enjoy doing]". The demands never stop and I grow so sick and tired of listening to these that I want to run away and leave the church, I want to just say to hell with it all. I am sure secular psychologists would recommend this; fortunately, my faith is strong enough to know that this 'thorn' in my flesh is only here in the temporary. When I die (and I pray it is soon sometimes. I want to die before I DO do something rash like run away from God or stop believing), I know this illness will be over and that the Son of Man will be there to hold me in His arms.

I am so sorry that I so much focus on myself in this blog. I just need an avenue to express what is going on the inside and get it out. I know for some Christians, it is easier to for you to believe that my problem is "spiritual", that I just need to "get right" with God somehow as I have some "hidden rift" with Him. If that is you, then I ask you to reconsider and consider the mind as an organ, like a heart or kidney. It does funny things to people when it is sick or imbalanced or whatever--and it is doing a number on me. This thing has stolen my zeal for God and my zeal to love and serve His people by demonstrating the Grace of Christ. It has given me a fear of prayer, a fear of the scriptures, a fear of other Christians, and an unhealthy fear of God. It takes my energy away and affects my attitude. I no longer seek God's will for my life as I do not have the strength to do so. I no longer desire after God as it only means 'giving up more until I die'.'

At this point, I am tired. All I want to do is rip my heart out and stomp on it as it is all meaningless to me. I feel I am a disobedient, spoiled, and rotten Child of God. I am tired of repentance. Tired of saying I am a sinner. Tired of calling myself a Christian when I know I can't even begin to imagine what it truly means to follow Christ and know that I have no hope in doing so. I don't want to pursue holiness as it means giving up so much of me, things I don't want to get rid of anymore. Is there even a place for me in the Church anymore...why do I even bother?