update

It has been some time. But here I am in a nutshell:

--Am on new medication...eeegads, ME..on anti-psychotic meds. I don't reveal this too often at work or in public due to the stigma around this. But are the meds working? All in all, yes. The voices have subsided enough for me to really 'start over' again. I am breathing the free air again and celebrating God's gift of life.

--Right now, I feel really indifferent towards life in general. Cannot truly say why. I like my job, I have a new baby boy. Well, I guess the job is getting stressful more than usual and my grandmother who I was close to passed away a month ago, and well, the baby boy and the other two kids adds to the stress...perhaps I am selfish in saying this, but there are days I want to run away (where to is the question); however, I still get out of bed, go to work, and come home to a messy house that I have no energy or desire to clean. Sigh. My sister in law reminded me of a scene in the movie Sleepless in Seattle where Tom Hank's character gets out of bed, so distraught over the loss of his wife, finding it difficult to survive...he eventually comes to realize that he needs to (badly paraphrased here), "...get out of bed with having to remind myself to breath every time I get up...its in time when I get out of bed that I begin to breathe natually without having to remind myself to do it" Time has certainly been a healer for me and I wish I could say I am a better person for it...I don't feel that I am a better person: my heart is hard, my anger has strengthened, my patience grows thin, my mind is forgetful, and I have an ambivalent demeanor. I am too scared to ask God to soften me--where will it lead????

--I find myself not wanting to go back to the life I once had. I want to be a different person now. I want to be more care free, more happy, less religious, slightly ambitious, and, more so, enjoy life without feeling guilty for it. I feel as though I want to leave the church for an extended period of time (not my faith, mind you...Jesus is the way, Truth, and Life...I believe this with all my heart and that would be impossible to let go of). Again, that is the selfish side of me speaking. I just don't want to deal with any more Bible lessons, more to do lists, more to don't lists, more of the things that have set me off in the past into a tailspin of chaos.

Despite what I have said above, things ARE improving. The knives are rarely shooting out of my hand as they once did..in fact, even when I think they will shoot out, they don't. Nothing 'comes out' of my fingers as it once did.

I hope to write on other things sometime soon...I am tired of writing of myself.