Why am I alone...

Odd that when I get off my meds how quickly I want to do things such as:

• Hit myself
• Feel like peeling my face off (a form of self-punishment and destructive tendencies)
• Apathy like I never known before

Why I get off my meds is primarily laziness and tired of taking things that regulate me. Alas, it is one of these necessary things in my life at this point. I have an illness that will destroy me and I cannot have that (my wife would kill me :-) ).

I guess I feel alone. I am not the person that I feel I was once. How I wish I could go back to the days of my early twenties where I considered friendships a most valuable comodity. Now I sometimes could care less if I had a friend left in the world because I feel as though no one would even care about me anymore (what is there to care about I guess). I struggle just to find conversation now as I have nothing there to talk about. I find myself wishing God would just let me die as I have nothing left to give anymore--or so I feel.

Well, despite of how I feel, I trudge onward. I may be gaining weight and may be on anti-psychoitic meds but I still have something left to give. I am taking training this weekend in becoming a communion server. What a honor that I can serve others by giving them a grand and beautiful example of God's grace through the bread and the wine. Communion has always been a most beautiful thing to me--a sign that, despite my insuffiency--God invites me to dine with him in complete and utter acceptance. Maybe I will be inspired to be more through this act of mercy.

In His care....