It is so inconsistent...

My OCD is so weird...it attacks at the strangest times and doesn't attack when I think it will. This makes things harder as I do not even know, half of the time, when I am in the middle of an attack until it is too late. For example, on Monday, I was getting ready to go see my psychologist and decided to read excerpts from a book on healing through prayer. The next thing that happened was I was in the middle of a battle between this force in my head vs. reality--all I could think of was that I couldn't dare heal else I would be forced to go back to having to do the things that my OCD was demanding me to do (such as start orphages in Mexico, having to "give everything" I love over to God and never enjoy life again, etc.). I had to do everything in my power to keep from hitting myself out of 'punishment' for my lack of desire for 'holyness', for my inability to want to do the 'will of God'.
My psychologist attempted to read some of the same passages from that book over again so we could address these things with the light of trust of Christ and I had to grab the pillow next to me to stop from 'stabbing' myself with pretend knives and even began to convulse slightly.

Today at church, things could have gotton bad but didn't for some weird reason. The pastor was preaching that with faith comes action and was encouraging us to action. This didn't set me off when it normally would have. Perhaps I was able to deflect this as I was able to anticipate that this was coming and was able to speak the truth before lies from my OCD could set in. The truth was was that I have done actions that have shown the validity of my faith...just because I haven't shown actions during my present condition and stage in my life, doesn't mean that the prior actions and faith were not real and are nullified.
One song within one of the hymns did lead me to one instant prayer/plea with God. The song line essentially spoke that with faith comes crowns in heaven. My prayer: "Oh God, I have no strength or hope that my faith will remain strong. I need you to help me and keep me strong." If that wasn't a sign of faith, I don't know what is.

The point of all this is that this thing is far from licked. While I feel normal most of the time, I go through these periods of madness that threaten my faith and my sanity. But I trust that God will keep me strong to the end until the day of Christ's return and it is to that hope I cling to.

Another Over the Rhine song that has touched me. Lately, as the Bible has been a source of fear for me instead of a source of hope, I have been trying to worship and learn of God through music and through the experiences of His creation (Christian or otherwise). This song, called Long Lost Brother, further exemplifies the struggles we human beings have with doubt, how quickly we turn when things get bad, how tired we get in the process, and our longing for reconciliation. I won't speak much more of this song as it is best, with art and poetry, to have the reader come to his/her's own conclusion, but hope it finds meaning to you in your Journey.

I thought that we'd be
Further along by now
I can't remember how
We stumbled to this place

I loved you like a long lost brother
On a bad day maybe I thought why bother
I've seldom seen so much anger
In a face

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

I don't mean to laugh outloud
I'm trying to come clean
Trying to shed my doubt
Maybe I should just keep
My big mouth shut

More often than not
When it comes to you
You want whatever's not in front of you
Deep down I know this includes me too

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

So tell me your troubles
Let your pain rain down
I know my job I've been around
I invest in the mess
I'm a low cost dumping ground

Trouble is I'm so exhausted
The plot, you see,
I think I've lost it
I need the grace to find what can't be found

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness