What is hurting me the most?

It is with some delight to say that it has been a good week. My psychologist, Gary, has been helpful in helping me deal with the sudden onslaught of frozen paralysis, "knives", fear, etc. that just comes my way. What I am experiencing is my sub-conscious brain just going wild and free. You see, the sub-conscious knows no record of time (so yesterday is like today), not to mention that it has the brains of a three year old child since the conscious brain holds the 'smarts' (for all practical purposes, I will call my sub-conscious my 'dumb brain'). My past has been one of turmoil, abuse, and shame-- abuse, divorce, high demands by authority figures, etc. In addition, the chemical imbalance causing my depression is making matters worse. It is no wonder why I struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder and "voices" in my head--don't get me wrong, we all have voices in our head but my voices become manipulative, controlling, and bring me down to levels of paranoia, depression, and intense anxiety that it becomes uncontrollable. With the medication, it has come under control and has helped me feel normal enough to deal with the issue. This doesn't stop the dumb brain however as it still continues to attack with shame and guilt causing me to head towards a tailspin. I have learned this is my dumb brain attempting to resolve the spritiual, emotional, and psychological conflict of insufficiency, shame, divorce, high demads of authority figure, etc. through the only means that it knows (as it was the thing it was trained to do from early on): through more shame and high demands. With that said, I am now learning to essentially "talk back" to myself, saying, "Dumb brain, I know you are trying to help me, but you are not helping me so I will ignore you" The point is to diffuse what the source of the shame, to re-teach it truth and not allow the things of the past, present, and future bring me down to the point where there is no hope and no future. Case in point: last Thursday I began reading an e-mail sent to me by Christianity Today Movies where it had an article on Star Wars. As an aside, I am not a Star Wars nut--personally, Star Trek is more intelligent and enjoyable for me--but I do enjoy the fairy tale and science fiction aspect of the whole series, especially its major themes of falling from grace and, ultimately, redemption. Anyway, the article began telling the story about how its author was really looking forward to Episode III coming out next month, halfway through the story he began bringing his story towards an e-mail he received from some individual with a link to a web site insisting Christians "fast" from Star Wars and insisting to not give into temptation and to consider your walk with Christ being threatened from the 'evils' of Star Wars. Immediately, knives starting shooting out not only from my hands but, for the first time, from my feet as well. The voices in my head were screaming at me to give up everything else my salvation would be on the line, my relationship with Christ destoyed, etc. It froze me for about ten seconds before I immediately deleted the e-mail and began talking back to disarm the attack by own mind. It worked...

I have more to write but little time...suffice to say, it was a good week because I am learning to talk back to that which is hurting me the most: myself.

A hard day...

What a day...my mind is free one moment, but then the next a thought and/or voice comes in my brain ("Do you realize your life is not yours...give it up as nothing is yours anymore and nothing can break you free of this!", "Don't you dare enjoy this world, else you do not love God", "Don't buy that, that can be used for the poor and you call yourself a child of God"). Sometimes it isn't a voice but something just causes my mind to just freeze and I feel like I cannot breathe or move for 10 seconds. Worse yet, the "knives" (again, pretend knives) come out unexpectedly and I have to keep them from "stabbing" me. Weird, you say? Generally, I agree (but I would guess most of us have thoughts weird things). Well, believe it or not, I have been used to these kind of thoughts for a while...just never this extreme, never this obscene. My psychologist has indicated and has convinced me that this is my sub-conscious mind which is like a three-year old child--has no concept of time (hence, why the punishing words which come from my past), no concept of grace except if I perform. I am at the end of my rope sometimes and I just want to run away. Run away from God, run away from people, run away and never come back. What else can I say....it is as if I am at the end of the road. My choices are left or right, life or death. How I long for the simple days of my faith when serving and loving were a pleasure, where my relationship with God was of simple faith and love. Now, it is drudgery, joylessness, and pure monarchy. I know we are not robots, nor did God design us to be robots...why then must we choose to be robots. I was beginning to enjoy my job again when the knives came out and my started to freeze. If you are still reading this, I applaud your patience. If you no longer wish to talk to me, I do not blame you. Forgive me friends for not being the friend I am supposed to be. I must continue to run to my spiritual comfort zone, as my psychologist and I call it. It is that place of safety which includes:

--Jesus as my brother and lover holding me closely and saying nothing to me but just holding me, accepting me where I am at and loving me as I am with no expectations but just love.
--The Father saying to me, "Welcome to the Kingdom of God." and "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
--The Spirit giving me hope for the future, that my future will be one that I will embrace vs. fear. Enjoy vs. loathe. Belong to rather than just being in. Likeable vs. despisable.

Do you realize how many grace killers there are out there? They would see the zone I just described as "not enough" Many would ask, "Where's the Lordship?" "Where's the repentence?" "Where's the dedication?" "Where's the sacrafice?" Do they not see that I have nothing else to give. All I have to offer is worthless as I am in nothing but rags. At this point, nothing else matters then just a heart that loves to just be with his Father in a safe place, even if it is just a few minutes a day? Friend, I know you are busy, but please spend just one minute of your time and forget about what YOU can do for Christ and just BE. BE who you are, as you are, where you are, and rest in that. Are you perfect? No, of course not...welcome to the club. As a wise man once said to me, "There are no spritiual giants. We are all in same boat."
Right now, it is hard enough to just stay in that boat...

Where have I been? Trying to survive...

Some of you have written to me wondering why I have stopped writing in my blog. Lets just say it has been a really rough year and it has taken a toll on me emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. To make a long story short, in November,2004 I was diagnosed with severe depression, generalized anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder--all focused towards my spiritual side of life. Symptoms included:

• --Major headaches
• --Significant throat pain
• --Voices that kept screaming in my head ordering me to do X else Y will happen to me (e.g. Go to Mexico and start an orphanage else you will be out of the will of God, be a missionary in Haiti else you will suffer here and now, quit my job and be prepared to sell my house, be prepared to allow you and your kids to suffer, etc.).
• --Hopelessness
• --Hatred of self
• --Feelings that I would never be able to do the things I had wanted to.
• Intense sobbing and uncontrollable emotional pain.
• --Not wanting to get out of bed (sleep was the only peace I felt from the pain).
• --Loss of focus, especially at work.
• --...and the kicker, lots of thoughts of suicide as it was all I "deserved" (it was on my way home from Promise Keepers where I was staring at the road of the bus wishing I could jump off the moving bus)

To put it to you lightly, this thing literally knocked me out and has rocked my world in the most severest of ways (lets just say this...imagine your worst fear, multiply it times 50, then hear "God" tell you to do it else go to hell). It was like having your psyche and spriritual self "raped"...it sounds harsh but, indeed, that the way it felt!!
Any enjoyment of life and the things that bring pleasure, including my life with God, and the joy of service towards others was treated with fear, loathing, insufficiency ("you are not doing enough" and "If you were truly God's child, you would do this instead of that") and sadness by the non-spiritual forces within my brain (futher complicated by some spiritual forces for sure). For months on end I thought my problems were all spiritual and I had better "come to grips with the truth" else lose my relationship and peace with God. Things just got worse until my neighbor and my wife suggested to me that this might be something else. It turned out, with a Pastor, my doctor, and my Christian psychologist's confirmation, to be a mental illness. I am on medication and am in weekly meetings with a Christian psychologist now who is helping me tremendously. With the medication, things are starting to feel "normal" now (though feeling normal is only part of being normal). Unfortunately, because of the nature of my illness, any major spiritual challenge/message/etc. could send me in a tailspin including:

• --Running away from God when I should run towards Him.
• --Seclusion
• --Moments of paranoia and fixation of my sinfulness despite the fact that the cross has taken care of such issues (a person with obsessive compulsive disorder finds it hard to shake free from this though).
• --Self-hatred--I have to fight back images of me impailing myself with pretend knives (I must emphasize PRETEND...I am not hurting myself for real nor am I desiring to hurt myself. These 'knives' are just means of self-punishment for me not being 'perfect')
• --For me, it complicates any relationships I could have bringing out a fear of people, especially towards Christians.

Needless to say, I have avoided any significant teaching (it is hard enough for me to hear a sunday sermon or even a worship song at times!). I lately have found it easier to go to a liturgical service more than the traditional 'evangelical' service I am accustomed to. Reason being is that I know what to expect in a liturgical service and it is familiar to me (me being an old Lutheran and all). I relish the times when I can go my in-laws Catholic service because it is very liturgical and I have had more times where I could connect with God without fear there than anywhere else.

How am I doing right now?

• --AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING BOASTFUL, THOUGH I MEAN NOT TO, I BELIEVE ONE OF MY GREATEST STRENGTHS IS IN BEING REAL OF WHERE I AM AT AND BEING ABLE TO EXPRESS THAT (MOST OF THE TIME AT LEAST :-) ). MY PSYCHOLOGIST HAS SAID THAT THIS IS INDEED SOMETHING RARE IN HIS EXPERIENCE--WHICH HAS ENCOURAGED ME--AS IT IS REALLY HARD FOR HIM TO HAVE PEOPLE AT TOUCH WITH THEMSELVES ENOUGH TO EXPRESS WHAT IS GOING ON AND BE HONEST ABOUT IT. HE USUALLY SPENDS 10 SESSIONS TEACHING THEM HOW TO DO THAT SO I JUST SAVED MYSELF SOME MONEY :-). Being real has helped me to talk about things a lot easier.
• --I AM ON STRONGER MEDICATION AND IT HAS TRULY HELPED ME FEEL NORMAL.
• --I no longer feel like I want to be myself anymore. Frankly, if the Lord took me away right now so I no longer had to go through life, I would be a happy man. I FEEL as though I have been stripped away and the Chris Hjelmberg you once knew is pretty much 'dead' I don't know what of me is left anymore...time will tell. I just want to get through each day and pray I can be myself without fear again.
• --I do not have the courage to heal. Healing means I have to confront the pains and terrors that away me. Healing means I will have to go back into the frey of life. I do not know what healing will do for me but I am scared that, after I heal, I will have to grow up and do things beyond what I can bear, will have to love more than I can love, will have to be someone who I cannot be, will have to do things I cannot do or do not want to do, and that these cursed voices will come back to rape me once again.

If you feel so inclined to pray, pray THAT I HAVE THE COURAGE TO HEAL AND THE COURAGE TO TRUST OTHERS. I HONESTLY STRUGGLE IN BOTH AREAS. I AM SCARED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY CHRISTIANS (OUT OF FEAR I WILL BE TORN DOWN OR BE PREACHED AT/"FIXED" WITH A SIMPLE FORMULA, "YOUR PROBLEM IS AN OBEDIANCE PROBLEM...", "YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU DON'T PRAY ENOUGH...", "MAYBE YOU AREN'T A CHRISTIAN AFTER ALL...", "SATAN IS AT WORK IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU BETTER DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT..."). ALAS, IF THE CHRISTIAN LIFE COULD BE SIMPLIFIED INTO A FORMULA, IF IT ONLY WOULD BE "IF YOU DO 'A', THEN 'B' WILL RESULT"...NO, NOTHING IS THAT SIMPLE. Nothing is every that formulaic. No one scripture will do the healing work.

IF I HAVE LEARNED ANYTHING, I HAVE LEARNED WHAT MAJOR DEPRESSION CAN DO TO A PERSON, and what it can do to any person (heck, I never thought depression was like this...ack!). THIS MAY SOUND STRANGE TO YOU, BUT I WAS ECHOING STRONGLY THE WORDS OF JOB, WORDS I WOULD HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD, OR ECHOED, COMPLETELY IF IT WERE NOT FOR WHAT I WENT THROUGH :

"OH, THAT I MIGHT HAVE MY REQUEST, THAT GOD WOULD GRANT WHAT I HOPE FOR, THAT GOD WOULD BE WILLING TO CRUSH ME, TO LET LOOSE HIS HAND AND CUT ME OFF! THEN I WOULD STILL HAVE THIS CONSOLATION--MY JOY IN UNRELENTING PAIN--THAT I HAD NOT DENIED THE WORDS OF THE HOLY ONE. WHAT STRENGTH DO I HAVE, THAT I SHOULD STILL HOPE? WHAT PROSPECTS, THAT I SHOULD BE PATIENT? DO I HAVE STRENTH OF STONE? IS MY FLESH BRONZE? DO I HAVE ANY POWER TO HELP MYSELF, NOW THAT SUCCESS HAS BEEN DRIVEN FROM ME." --JOB 6:8-13.

WAS I CLOSE TO COMMITING APOSTASY? THOUGH I FELT LIKE IT, THOUGH I HAD WANTED TO RUN AWAY, THOUGH I DESIRE TO "DO LIFE" 100% ON MY OWN, THE ANSWER IS NO AS I HAD NO WHERE ELSE TO TURN (I am a terrible "god" ). BUT I SAW MY FAITH DANGLING ON A STRING WITH ONLY A SINGLE WORD FROM GOD THERE TO CUT IT OFF. I FEEL TIRED, I FEEL AFRAID, AND I FEEL ALONE.

IT WAS AT PROMISE KEEPERS THAT I RE-LEARNED THIS ONE THING IN A DRAMATIC WAY: HOLINESS IS IMPOSSIBLE WITHOUT THE WORK OF GOD MOVING THROUGH YOU, BY THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB. I AM IN NEED OF A SAVIOUR FOR MY PAST, IN MY PRESENT, AND ESPECIALLY MY FUTURE!!!

THIS EXPERIENCE HAS MADE ME MORE CALVINISTIC THEN I THOUGHT POSSIBLE AS I TRULY HAVE COME TO BELIEVE THE WORDS OF PAUL, "HE [GOD] WILL KEEP YOU STRONG TO THE END, SO THAT YOU WILL BE BLAMELESS ON THE DAY OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST." (1 COR 1:9).

GOD IS MY STRENGTH FOR SURE AND I BELIEVE THAT THE WORK HE BEGAN WILL BE COMPLETED IN ME UNTIL THE DAY OF OUR PRESCIOUS SAVIOUR'S RETURN, BUT THE DEMANDS OF "THE VOICES" (MY SUB-CONSCIOUS STEMMING FROM YEARS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE FROM MY STEP-FATHER AND OTHER "STUFF" [A MUCH BIGGER STORY]) WERE SUCH THAT I AM TOO SCARED TO FULLY TRUST, TOO BRUISED TO WANT TO HEAL, AND TOO ANGRY TO HOPE. IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, HIS SWEETEST PATIENCE, RELENTLESS TENDERNESS, PURSUING LOVE, AND SWEET FRAGRANCE OF FORGIVENESS, I ...I CARE NOT MENTION WHAT HORRORS WOULD AWAIT ME.

MY DEAR FRIEND, I ASK OF YOU A LARGE FAVOR: HAVE MERCY ON ME, A SINNER. HAVE PATIENCE WITH ME IN MY IMPATIENCE. CONTINUE TO PURSUE ME GENTILY EVEN THOUGH I MAY RUN. WEEP WITH ME IN MY SORROW. REJOICE WHEN I SAY A SIMPLE PRAYER. BE SLOW TO SPEAK AND QUICK TO LISTEN DESPITE MY GRUMBLINGS. OFFER HOPE IN MY HOPELESSNESS. Encourage me with the hope of salvation, not with the wrath of punishment. DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF ME WHEN I TREMBLE AND DOUBT. Catch me when I fall (or at least insist I get up :-) ). Be completely yourself and enjoy the things you enjoy even more when I am around...seeing you enjoy things is as so theraputic to me as it helps me see you enjoy your humanity rather than despise it.

I hope to keep journaling my healing as I walk this sacred journey.

Dear God, I hold true to the words you have spoken to me many years ago, and which is spoken by You numerous times in Your Word, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" Amen.