Just when I thought things were going well...

...I linked over to a Christian evangelism site that seemed more determined to convert Christians to its point of view rather than give people a source of hope amidst their darkness. I foolishly browsed through it thinking I would be ok in doing so. It was then that I hit a section of the site that was espousing a view that it is possible to lose one's salvation and I started breaking down a little. I couldn't help think I was THAT PERSON who had lost their salvation because my faith wasn't strong enough, I didn't "do" enough, and that I didn't show enough proof that I was saved because of my lack of a desire for holiness (nothing wrong with holiness mind you...I can't help but see it as more restrictive and binding then something that is a good and pure thing). In taking a shower that evening, I began hitting myself again and had to stop myself from cutting myself with a razor. Today, I had to keep myself from hitting my head with a pot while I was cooking. No damage done as I still have some control. My psychologist is right in telling me that while I may feel good, I am not out of the woods yet (and, in fact, even when I get out of the woods, they will never be far behind me). Funny thing is that I am not asking God why this is happening to me...I am more asking God to forgive me for doubting that He will never leave or forsake as He promised me years ago as a young boy, afraid and alone in the wilderness. It is amazing how simple words have such a powerful effect on me. All I can do is keep trusting and hang tight...Jesus is coming soon to take me home.