Well, it HAS been a while...

I guess I have been feeling lazy lately...not wanting to write down the stuff that has been going on. Perhaps thats it...not much HAS been going on. I have officially stopped seeing my counselor as he and I both feel I have progressed enough to try it on my own for a while. I will be reporting in after a couple more months. I am still seeing a psychiatrist to regulate my meds. It is a little discouraging though seeing him in some ways, not that he knows it. Discouraging not because of anything he has done but because he says my case is so unique. Unique that it had been hard for him to diagnose which causes me to doubt if my mental state is mental at all but spiritual. I struggle being a Christian. I many times, God forgive me, wish I wasn't a Christian, so that I don't have to follow all these damn rules that are in my head. There is the first problem--Christianity is not about rules but about a relationship with God. All the stuff I do, good works and all, come out of love for our God, not out of fearful obediance ("Perfect love casts out all fear"). I still cannot help it though. I pray so infrequently. I fear reading scripture. I am so quick to become angry and impatient. I just want to be left alone so that no one will hurt me. How can people go to church and be preached at and survive is beyond me. Thank God I am at a church that touches all of its messages with grace (but then my OCD just jumps right in and says it is just a watered down version. That I am just running away from God. Ironically, it is my OCD that has caused my running away more then the church has contributed).
What makes things worse is that I have been gaining weight. At least I can say that it isn't totally my fault as some of the meds I have been on/am currently on due promote weight gain. I am doing what I can so as to not gain any more weight but currently do not have the desire nor will power to lose it. There is a song from the group Ringside that has been speaking to me lately. The lyrics speak of the person's struggle to become free from that which is tying him down, from the oppresion of those who who delight in keeping him where he is at. I haven't figured out all the lyrical nuances but, at minimum, the chorus speaks to me.

There goes Elvis kicking up a landslide
Close shave now he's back on the flipside
Stretch taxi gonna fly me to the Hollywood Bowl
It's a bitch Jack when you need some feedback
You hang while they hold you and you never get the ring back
But I like you best when you're down with the rest of us

I just want to move ahead
I just want to free myself -- but it's a struggle
I just want to stay in bed
I just want to be myself -- but it's a struggle

Milk the mailboy you just might get some insight
Knock it back, Jack you're faded but you're alright
Make sense of the mess I'm just taking the piss out of you

I just want to move ahead
I just want to free myself -- but it's a struggle
I just want to stay in bed
I just want to be myself -- but it's a stuggle

It just helps to know that someone else is struggling with himself.

One of these days, I think I will write down some more of the stuff that is in me. For now, this poem I found will have to do as it spoke to me:
http://scrupulosityocd.blogspot.com/2006/07/pain-of-heart-and-mind.html

God bless you in your journey.