Give Me Strength

Found a song from one of my favorite groups, Over the Rhine, that has been 'mysteriously' playing in my CD player over and over again. The lyrics speak to me as they speak of our struggles to rid ourselves of the past and move on, to be the person we were meant to be despite our inadequacies. The chorus line is a personal prayer of mine and my 'mantra' (so to speak). Hope it speaks to you as well.

GIVE ME STRENGTH

sitting in the rain alone
looking at a place that's gone
boarded up my memories
but something's drawn me here again and I
I cannot leave the past behind
hoped that I would never find
all the shit I left behind
now I find the child in me is going to remind
me that I
I can't forget my past for long

so take a look outside yourself
and tell me what you see
I can't believe
that you won't see the change in me

give me strength to find the road that's lost in me
give me time to heal and build myself a dream
give me eyes to see the world surrounding me
give me strength to be only me

i don't want to hear the things
you say you know all you've redeemed
'cause i can't change what's come before
build myself some better dreams
and cast off the fear that holds me here

so take a look outside yourself
and tell me what you see
I can't believe
that you won't see the change in me

give me strength to find the road that's lost in me
give me time to heal and build myself a dream
give me eyes to see the world surrounding me
give me strength to be only me

Weekends stink!

I think most of my 'stuff'' is happening on a weekend. Not only is the weekend when going to church occurs, but there is time to be more reflective and, for me, that is dangerous. Just yesterday, I was going to a wedding and was actually looking forward to it. I was really wanting to bless the bride and groom and honestly wanted to pray for them and with them in their journey of faith together--until my OCD stepped in and ruined it all. It immediately attacked me and, specifically, started saying that I MUST be rid of video games (I am a semi-avid gamer). The sermon during church started setting me off too as I was beginning to feel constrained and attacked by certain phrases: Jesus is Lord, Center your life around Christ, Be like Jesus, etc. I couldn't focus or pray and instead of me focusing on contributing prayer and support for the couple, I had to do whatever I could to keep me sane (needless to say, the program I was holding became pulp as I crushed it so much to help me deal with things). My mind cannot help but think of lists of the do's and don'ts and if I begin focusing on them, things get worse. Well despite my efforts, throughout the day, especially in the late evening, I began experiencing panic attacks. My breathing picked up so heavily that I almost couldn't breathe. I even contemplated going to the emergency room as I thought I was having a heart attack.

My OCD is either getting smarter or I am getting dumber. It is not attacking me so much with voices (though they are still subtlety there sometimes) but with sudden impulses of random theological attacks. I found myself constantly saying, "I am done with this." "I can't measure up to these demands." "I can no longer be a Christian as I can't follow these commands" and I sometimes don't even know what specific things I am saying this against!! It typically, however, has to do with, "Jesus is Lord of your life or else", "Your desires and dreams are irrelevant in this world"; "If you are to be a true follower of Jesus, you must be rid of video games, movies, [name your own activity you enjoy doing]". The demands never stop and I grow so sick and tired of listening to these that I want to run away and leave the church, I want to just say to hell with it all. I am sure secular psychologists would recommend this; fortunately, my faith is strong enough to know that this 'thorn' in my flesh is only here in the temporary. When I die (and I pray it is soon sometimes. I want to die before I DO do something rash like run away from God or stop believing), I know this illness will be over and that the Son of Man will be there to hold me in His arms.

I am so sorry that I so much focus on myself in this blog. I just need an avenue to express what is going on the inside and get it out. I know for some Christians, it is easier to for you to believe that my problem is "spiritual", that I just need to "get right" with God somehow as I have some "hidden rift" with Him. If that is you, then I ask you to reconsider and consider the mind as an organ, like a heart or kidney. It does funny things to people when it is sick or imbalanced or whatever--and it is doing a number on me. This thing has stolen my zeal for God and my zeal to love and serve His people by demonstrating the Grace of Christ. It has given me a fear of prayer, a fear of the scriptures, a fear of other Christians, and an unhealthy fear of God. It takes my energy away and affects my attitude. I no longer seek God's will for my life as I do not have the strength to do so. I no longer desire after God as it only means 'giving up more until I die'.'

At this point, I am tired. All I want to do is rip my heart out and stomp on it as it is all meaningless to me. I feel I am a disobedient, spoiled, and rotten Child of God. I am tired of repentance. Tired of saying I am a sinner. Tired of calling myself a Christian when I know I can't even begin to imagine what it truly means to follow Christ and know that I have no hope in doing so. I don't want to pursue holiness as it means giving up so much of me, things I don't want to get rid of anymore. Is there even a place for me in the Church anymore...why do I even bother?

He who is free...

Had a meeting with my psychologist last Monday and basically shared with him how last Sunday went. He basically, in a kind way, told me to stop this way of thinking and self loathing--that God would not have me beat myself with worrying about the way I should be or cannot be. It occurred to me that Christian living is not about so much dos and don'ts but more so on living in the Grace of Christ and learning to live within that Grace despite our inadequacies--His Grace is INDEED sufficient for us. I feel quite a bit more free lately because of this and feel almost whole again. However, the ultimate test will be if I can live this out when the voices or knives come back again (and they will try)...when they do, I am to say this: "I am not going to entertain you anymore. This is not what God would have of me. I am free." I might think of something better to say later but that will work for now :-) .

Needless to say, I am doing better since last Sunday and am glad to be alive.

Help, I am a Christian

My mind cannot take away or reconcile the facts of my faith with that of the demands of my faith. It all surrounds lifestyle elements of my faith--you must be holy, you can't do this or that, can't say this or that, can't be this or that, don't do anything without God's approval--and conflicts with what modern day teaching--be yourself, go for your dreams, be independent. I am afraid the world is winning within me as I cannot NOT be myself; I cannot check for approval every step of the way; I cannot begin to think of being holy as it will only produce more lists in my head that will lead me back to the dark woods of my OCD and back to legalistic tendencies that my standing before God is dependent on what I do vs. what God, through Christ, has done. I am tired of living the Christian life (for what little I have lived it)...everytime I think of it something I love to do is attacked and the next thing I am doing is pretending to stab myself with some pretend object. Just last night, I was trying to sleep and the notion of holyness and lifestyle came up in my head--nothing specific really--but the next thing I found myself doing was lifting my hand up with a pretend dagger that was ready to strike me down to destroy me for not being holy or not willing to be holy. I feel nothing now....just an empty shell devoid of anything worthy. Why cannot I just love God and let love be the motivator of my doings...my mind won't let that happen...it is never enough. I want to run to carnality more then I have ever felt before in my life but have no idea what that really means.

I know I make little sense but just needed to write down what was going on inside of me before I forgot. Will try to make sense of this later.