Help, I am a Christian

My mind cannot take away or reconcile the facts of my faith with that of the demands of my faith. It all surrounds lifestyle elements of my faith--you must be holy, you can't do this or that, can't say this or that, can't be this or that, don't do anything without God's approval--and conflicts with what modern day teaching--be yourself, go for your dreams, be independent. I am afraid the world is winning within me as I cannot NOT be myself; I cannot check for approval every step of the way; I cannot begin to think of being holy as it will only produce more lists in my head that will lead me back to the dark woods of my OCD and back to legalistic tendencies that my standing before God is dependent on what I do vs. what God, through Christ, has done. I am tired of living the Christian life (for what little I have lived it)...everytime I think of it something I love to do is attacked and the next thing I am doing is pretending to stab myself with some pretend object. Just last night, I was trying to sleep and the notion of holyness and lifestyle came up in my head--nothing specific really--but the next thing I found myself doing was lifting my hand up with a pretend dagger that was ready to strike me down to destroy me for not being holy or not willing to be holy. I feel nothing now....just an empty shell devoid of anything worthy. Why cannot I just love God and let love be the motivator of my doings...my mind won't let that happen...it is never enough. I want to run to carnality more then I have ever felt before in my life but have no idea what that really means.

I know I make little sense but just needed to write down what was going on inside of me before I forgot. Will try to make sense of this later.