....

I am alone.

Damn those who say I am not because they have no clue what they are talking about.

I am a loser.

I could never be liked in school growing up, loved when I did wrong, liked when I did right, approved when I thought I excelled (never good enough)...

Everything I touch I fail in.

All my friends who claim to be friends never desire to reach out to me as I do not fit in their schedules.

I am alone.

Everything I attempt to dream is squashed by forces (internal and external)

I am tired.

I want to sleep--forever.

no...more....pain....

I am tired of crying
tired of hurting
tired of trying
tired of living for someone else

I want to sleep.

Is Magic: The Gathering Evil?

Here is one response by one Christian.

http://www.pojo.com/magic/StrategyGuide/2003/Jan2003/Jan%2017-2003/Is%20Magic%20Really%20Evil%20-%20Robert%20Overton.htm

This encouraged me to write about this very topic so here is my go at it. I first ask you this simple question:

Is this card evil ?

this is from a series of real magic cards that were in a series to poke gentle fun at itself, but proves my point of those who would in and of itself, "evil": The card is called (gasp) "Spawn of Evil" ....but is a mouse drinking coco!!! and (gasp) does damage to another player. So would you call this card "evil"? Most would laugh at the idea and possibly just shows that it is what the card DOES in the context of the game that players concern themselves with, the pictures only being just that pictures.

No different then a Monopoly card is pulled.

As far as I am concerned, if you call Magic the Gathering evil, you better stay true to form and call these games evil:

--Monopoly -- teaches us that greed is good

--Settlers of Catan -- teaches us to horde all the land we can to conquer the opponent

--Sorry -- teaches false humility as, when you knock your opponent out, you say , "sorry" when you are REALLY NOT...not to mention that it does have the number 6 in there and you could accidentally pull three 6's in a row

--Scrabble -- can I use the words "masturbate", "screw", "devil", "worship" (with this "i" through the "i" in the word devil, of course)...better to avoid it so as to be a bad witness

--Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings -- mind you, they are not games, but they are books that have fantasy themes and (gasp) magical themes. Both of these written by Christian authors. Hmm....better to just avoid them so as to not be tempted to believe in elves.

Of course these are ridiculous examples but no different than the notion of a fantasy based game is, in and of itself, evil, is ridiculous,

I understand the concerns over some of the art work contained within the game.

Some are distrubing pictures, some of which I have even discarded as I didn't like the picture; however, if push came to shove and I needed the ability the card offers, I wouldn't hesitate to play it. Why? Because the PICTURE is NOT the card...what the card does is indicated in the bottom text...the picture is irrelevent and means nothing to Magic the Gathering players who are actually playing the game (other than possibly identifying the card itself). Do some of the Magic the Gathering players like the pictures: ABSOLUTELY!!! But the pictures are NOT the game.

Case in point: one popular acronym in the Magic the Gathering players is RTFC which stands for "Read the F***in card". While most Christians would not like the cursing in this acronym, I use this to share a point--the game is about what the card does in context of the game. Does anyone really believe they are able to cast spells and hope to do that--haven't heard that ONCE. Only what a card and its abilities and which cards can win the GAME--nothing more! The fantasy theme is just that--pure fantasy and not real or taken seriously by anyone with a sane mind.

This game is morally neutral and morally neutral territory is up to the mind and heart of the individual.

So my point is this: Christians, don't lambast someone simply for playing the game who feels the game is fine and aren't bothered by it and show a healthy interest in it....you will only make yourself the hypocrite the next time you decide to play Uno and you selfishly lay down the SKIP card, hurting your opportunity of "letting the first be last, and the last first" by allowing your neighbor to win.

...as I start to wonder....

ok...title makes things sound like I am going to go all philisophical and stuff, but I find it interesting. The moment I start to wonder on the mysteries of faith and the mysteries of God, I begin to freak out again. I am suddenly afraid of God...afraid that I will stand before Him and hear those ever awful words, "Begone. I never knew you." I know that these words were from a different context within the scriptures, but it doesn't matter. I still feel the fear grip and choke that I run away from God when I should be moving towards Him. Eeegads...what has happened to me. My wife feels like she married a different man now(or so I think...and what she has hinted). It is not that I wish for a life back but more for a life of hope and peace that surpasses all understanding. This isn't doubt so much as my OCD just going ga ga and having its way with me. But I shall not give it power: Dear God, as I pray, forgive me for the doubts I DO have, lead me towards your tender mercies, and lead me towards a life of joy.

I was reading an old friend's e-mail to me and she wrote:

"I have grown through all the struggles of my life and now I live, with hope in the new life the Risen Christ brings. I live, uncertain of my future, true, but with ever increasing joy and creative discovery of God's presence within it."

I know one of the many purposes of pain is to draw us closer to the source of life found in Christ--but, wow...to still find joy despite it is another thing all together. I can only hope that I can understand this someday as I am afraid to heal (ironically), afraid to die and, more-so, afraid to live as any dream I had has been, as described as such in the past but still true, raped away from me. I just feel like I want to dissapear as if I didn't exist.

But the hope now is that despite this stuff, I am better still. I am stable and can approach the idea of healing. I am regularly seeing Gary (therapist) again and he is patiently walking me towards the safe path of Christ (screw those Christians who want to make the Christian walk all about not being 'safe'...screw them!!! I can't stand those who would put a millstone around the neck of those who can barely stand as it is--saying that those who hope in the living Saviour--the Saviour who has claimed that his load is easy and his burdon is light--is anathema to me!. Hope this middle finger I am displaying is 'safe' enough for you)

(sorry about the rant....one of the many things I am working on is the fear of Christians....which is beyond ironic since I AM ONE!!!)

Anyway, onward and onward....have a good night.

MTGfanatic

Oh...I should mention one thing.

One of the ways I have been keeping sane is by starting up a new hobby. Finally, after many years of thinking I should try this, I have taken the dive and have started playing MAGIC THE GATHERING. It is truly a fun game.

For those of you interested in Magic the Gathering and are in need of individual cards, you should check out www.mtgfanatic.com . I made a purchase through there and had a great experience and got my single cards quickly. Plus their prices are reasonable too (if you want booster decks or individual cards...they are great!!).

Plus, if you are at a loss of what kind of deck you should play or in a major losing streak ( like I am right now :-P ), you can look up and try decks other folks have constructed and rate them and see how others have rated them. Like the deck you see but are missing some of the singles, click on a link and there you have the card in your shopping cart. I am finding myself coming back here regularly and am even thinking of putting in my own deck to see how folks are rating it and get some advice on it. Heck, it even comes with some basic charts based off mana cost and color spread of the deck...a GREAT way to ensure you that you haven't put too much of a certain type of mana and then put too few lands to pay for it.

Anyway, check it out if you want to: www.mtgfanatic.com. Happy spell casting!! :-)

Do I still exist?

Hi. It has been a while since I have written here. It is amazing how time flies and how I have been unwilling to take the time to update this. But, whatever. Here I am now and here I be.

How am I?

All in all, very very good. I have stopped going to church for now because my OCD just wrecked havoc on me everytime I went to church. And not enough pastors talk about the love and acceptance of God (and maybe rightfully so...I am not passing judgement...but I am not at any point to be hearing "you should be doing [insert good work here]" messages at this point in my life). However, I pray and worship as my heart (and mind) allow. AND, I carry on. I will try to write more and give more details...but know, for now, that I am hanging in there just fine. My meds are keeping me "out of the darkness" of depression and despair. The voices in my head have come to a subtle whisper (and in fact, attack me through other ways which I won't get into now)...Praise God they are not screaming at me anymore. Take care.

My mind and bees within...

It appears that the more I feel normal, the more I feel that I want to run back to the OCD just so I do not have to go back to a life of servitude and fear where I must obey every whimsy thought that comes my way in fear that that may be God speaking to me. I have definately determined that, in this stage of my life, I am not able to trust the voices in my head any longer. If God wishes to speak to me, He will do so in a way that I will understand. My counselor said something profound to me last Monday that I will try to not forget and will hopefully never let go of (paraphrasing with emphasis mine), "Chris, you are not in charge of your spiritual growth, the Holy Spirit is. Don't be so prideful into thinking that you have the capabilities of living a perfect holy life--that you are able to become this thing in your head when you may only be called to just exist without incident." This is profoundly freeing to me as the pressure is indeed off me at this point as every step I think I take towards holyness, I am up taking 50 steps back out of true fear of what or where that step will take me. This is freeing to me as I now can truly go to the throne of grace as I am and not as I should be knowing that God won't force me into anything beyond what I can bear. My mind truly just doesn't comprehend the grace of Christ to the extent it needs to...it just keeps buzzing and beating me with compulsions and demands that are so conditional, that it just make me want to beat myself just to stop the noise, just to stop the confusion. I see so many Christians who truly want to know the Lord more and sing about it through their 'Christian' songs and 'worship', yet so much of the contemporary 'Christian' songs today deal with 'giving it all over to God', 'leaving this life', and 'detaching oneself from this world' and other psedo-spritiual drival that I am beginning to see why this is driving me to drink (literally and figuratively)--when we place ourselves in charge of our spiritual journey, we are in hopes of lifting ourselves up vs. letting Christ lead us to where we need to be, where we can only be, what we can only be -- ourselves. I have seen Christians 'give up things' that they love out of 'devotion' to God when it, if they were honest with themselves, tore them up inside-out and, in all reality, didn't lead them to perfect love but just took a part of themselves away from them. Their intentions may have been ok, but is gritting our teeth and pushing the process of sanctification really going to help us in the long run. If we need Christ to save us from hell, don't we need Christ to continue the process of sanctification? If Jesus' yoke is easy and His burden is light is true, then why do we continue pushing further ahead trying all the more harder to think it is now up to us to 'run that race' as if we could possibly lose the race started when we came to faith. Christians, repent! Stop losing yourself in your feeble attempts of holiness. The world fully knows your attempts at holiness are feeble and can see right through it and ultimately do nothing for the kingdom of God. I am convinced that growing to know and love God and others is not dependent on ourselves, but is a gift of the Holy Spirit. He is in charge of your growth, not you. Stop the madness and start being real with yourself and express all the passion and freedom that is within you and let Christ's prescious mercy and grace fill in the gap of what you lack. If His grace is not sufficient for you, then it is time to wake up and realize you are taking on more then you can possibly handle--perhaps, even, that you are following a different god. Be who you are....and if you love just one person along the way, praise God for that gift. Peace to you.

It is so inconsistent...

My OCD is so weird...it attacks at the strangest times and doesn't attack when I think it will. This makes things harder as I do not even know, half of the time, when I am in the middle of an attack until it is too late. For example, on Monday, I was getting ready to go see my psychologist and decided to read excerpts from a book on healing through prayer. The next thing that happened was I was in the middle of a battle between this force in my head vs. reality--all I could think of was that I couldn't dare heal else I would be forced to go back to having to do the things that my OCD was demanding me to do (such as start orphages in Mexico, having to "give everything" I love over to God and never enjoy life again, etc.). I had to do everything in my power to keep from hitting myself out of 'punishment' for my lack of desire for 'holyness', for my inability to want to do the 'will of God'.
My psychologist attempted to read some of the same passages from that book over again so we could address these things with the light of trust of Christ and I had to grab the pillow next to me to stop from 'stabbing' myself with pretend knives and even began to convulse slightly.

Today at church, things could have gotton bad but didn't for some weird reason. The pastor was preaching that with faith comes action and was encouraging us to action. This didn't set me off when it normally would have. Perhaps I was able to deflect this as I was able to anticipate that this was coming and was able to speak the truth before lies from my OCD could set in. The truth was was that I have done actions that have shown the validity of my faith...just because I haven't shown actions during my present condition and stage in my life, doesn't mean that the prior actions and faith were not real and are nullified.
One song within one of the hymns did lead me to one instant prayer/plea with God. The song line essentially spoke that with faith comes crowns in heaven. My prayer: "Oh God, I have no strength or hope that my faith will remain strong. I need you to help me and keep me strong." If that wasn't a sign of faith, I don't know what is.

The point of all this is that this thing is far from licked. While I feel normal most of the time, I go through these periods of madness that threaten my faith and my sanity. But I trust that God will keep me strong to the end until the day of Christ's return and it is to that hope I cling to.

Another Over the Rhine song that has touched me. Lately, as the Bible has been a source of fear for me instead of a source of hope, I have been trying to worship and learn of God through music and through the experiences of His creation (Christian or otherwise). This song, called Long Lost Brother, further exemplifies the struggles we human beings have with doubt, how quickly we turn when things get bad, how tired we get in the process, and our longing for reconciliation. I won't speak much more of this song as it is best, with art and poetry, to have the reader come to his/her's own conclusion, but hope it finds meaning to you in your Journey.

I thought that we'd be
Further along by now
I can't remember how
We stumbled to this place

I loved you like a long lost brother
On a bad day maybe I thought why bother
I've seldom seen so much anger
In a face

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

I don't mean to laugh outloud
I'm trying to come clean
Trying to shed my doubt
Maybe I should just keep
My big mouth shut

More often than not
When it comes to you
You want whatever's not in front of you
Deep down I know this includes me too

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

So tell me your troubles
Let your pain rain down
I know my job I've been around
I invest in the mess
I'm a low cost dumping ground

Trouble is I'm so exhausted
The plot, you see,
I think I've lost it
I need the grace to find what can't be found

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

Give Me Strength

Found a song from one of my favorite groups, Over the Rhine, that has been 'mysteriously' playing in my CD player over and over again. The lyrics speak to me as they speak of our struggles to rid ourselves of the past and move on, to be the person we were meant to be despite our inadequacies. The chorus line is a personal prayer of mine and my 'mantra' (so to speak). Hope it speaks to you as well.

GIVE ME STRENGTH

sitting in the rain alone
looking at a place that's gone
boarded up my memories
but something's drawn me here again and I
I cannot leave the past behind
hoped that I would never find
all the shit I left behind
now I find the child in me is going to remind
me that I
I can't forget my past for long

so take a look outside yourself
and tell me what you see
I can't believe
that you won't see the change in me

give me strength to find the road that's lost in me
give me time to heal and build myself a dream
give me eyes to see the world surrounding me
give me strength to be only me

i don't want to hear the things
you say you know all you've redeemed
'cause i can't change what's come before
build myself some better dreams
and cast off the fear that holds me here

so take a look outside yourself
and tell me what you see
I can't believe
that you won't see the change in me

give me strength to find the road that's lost in me
give me time to heal and build myself a dream
give me eyes to see the world surrounding me
give me strength to be only me

Weekends stink!

I think most of my 'stuff'' is happening on a weekend. Not only is the weekend when going to church occurs, but there is time to be more reflective and, for me, that is dangerous. Just yesterday, I was going to a wedding and was actually looking forward to it. I was really wanting to bless the bride and groom and honestly wanted to pray for them and with them in their journey of faith together--until my OCD stepped in and ruined it all. It immediately attacked me and, specifically, started saying that I MUST be rid of video games (I am a semi-avid gamer). The sermon during church started setting me off too as I was beginning to feel constrained and attacked by certain phrases: Jesus is Lord, Center your life around Christ, Be like Jesus, etc. I couldn't focus or pray and instead of me focusing on contributing prayer and support for the couple, I had to do whatever I could to keep me sane (needless to say, the program I was holding became pulp as I crushed it so much to help me deal with things). My mind cannot help but think of lists of the do's and don'ts and if I begin focusing on them, things get worse. Well despite my efforts, throughout the day, especially in the late evening, I began experiencing panic attacks. My breathing picked up so heavily that I almost couldn't breathe. I even contemplated going to the emergency room as I thought I was having a heart attack.

My OCD is either getting smarter or I am getting dumber. It is not attacking me so much with voices (though they are still subtlety there sometimes) but with sudden impulses of random theological attacks. I found myself constantly saying, "I am done with this." "I can't measure up to these demands." "I can no longer be a Christian as I can't follow these commands" and I sometimes don't even know what specific things I am saying this against!! It typically, however, has to do with, "Jesus is Lord of your life or else", "Your desires and dreams are irrelevant in this world"; "If you are to be a true follower of Jesus, you must be rid of video games, movies, [name your own activity you enjoy doing]". The demands never stop and I grow so sick and tired of listening to these that I want to run away and leave the church, I want to just say to hell with it all. I am sure secular psychologists would recommend this; fortunately, my faith is strong enough to know that this 'thorn' in my flesh is only here in the temporary. When I die (and I pray it is soon sometimes. I want to die before I DO do something rash like run away from God or stop believing), I know this illness will be over and that the Son of Man will be there to hold me in His arms.

I am so sorry that I so much focus on myself in this blog. I just need an avenue to express what is going on the inside and get it out. I know for some Christians, it is easier to for you to believe that my problem is "spiritual", that I just need to "get right" with God somehow as I have some "hidden rift" with Him. If that is you, then I ask you to reconsider and consider the mind as an organ, like a heart or kidney. It does funny things to people when it is sick or imbalanced or whatever--and it is doing a number on me. This thing has stolen my zeal for God and my zeal to love and serve His people by demonstrating the Grace of Christ. It has given me a fear of prayer, a fear of the scriptures, a fear of other Christians, and an unhealthy fear of God. It takes my energy away and affects my attitude. I no longer seek God's will for my life as I do not have the strength to do so. I no longer desire after God as it only means 'giving up more until I die'.'

At this point, I am tired. All I want to do is rip my heart out and stomp on it as it is all meaningless to me. I feel I am a disobedient, spoiled, and rotten Child of God. I am tired of repentance. Tired of saying I am a sinner. Tired of calling myself a Christian when I know I can't even begin to imagine what it truly means to follow Christ and know that I have no hope in doing so. I don't want to pursue holiness as it means giving up so much of me, things I don't want to get rid of anymore. Is there even a place for me in the Church anymore...why do I even bother?

He who is free...

Had a meeting with my psychologist last Monday and basically shared with him how last Sunday went. He basically, in a kind way, told me to stop this way of thinking and self loathing--that God would not have me beat myself with worrying about the way I should be or cannot be. It occurred to me that Christian living is not about so much dos and don'ts but more so on living in the Grace of Christ and learning to live within that Grace despite our inadequacies--His Grace is INDEED sufficient for us. I feel quite a bit more free lately because of this and feel almost whole again. However, the ultimate test will be if I can live this out when the voices or knives come back again (and they will try)...when they do, I am to say this: "I am not going to entertain you anymore. This is not what God would have of me. I am free." I might think of something better to say later but that will work for now :-) .

Needless to say, I am doing better since last Sunday and am glad to be alive.

Help, I am a Christian

My mind cannot take away or reconcile the facts of my faith with that of the demands of my faith. It all surrounds lifestyle elements of my faith--you must be holy, you can't do this or that, can't say this or that, can't be this or that, don't do anything without God's approval--and conflicts with what modern day teaching--be yourself, go for your dreams, be independent. I am afraid the world is winning within me as I cannot NOT be myself; I cannot check for approval every step of the way; I cannot begin to think of being holy as it will only produce more lists in my head that will lead me back to the dark woods of my OCD and back to legalistic tendencies that my standing before God is dependent on what I do vs. what God, through Christ, has done. I am tired of living the Christian life (for what little I have lived it)...everytime I think of it something I love to do is attacked and the next thing I am doing is pretending to stab myself with some pretend object. Just last night, I was trying to sleep and the notion of holyness and lifestyle came up in my head--nothing specific really--but the next thing I found myself doing was lifting my hand up with a pretend dagger that was ready to strike me down to destroy me for not being holy or not willing to be holy. I feel nothing now....just an empty shell devoid of anything worthy. Why cannot I just love God and let love be the motivator of my doings...my mind won't let that happen...it is never enough. I want to run to carnality more then I have ever felt before in my life but have no idea what that really means.

I know I make little sense but just needed to write down what was going on inside of me before I forgot. Will try to make sense of this later.

Why am I alone...

Odd that when I get off my meds how quickly I want to do things such as:

• Hit myself
• Feel like peeling my face off (a form of self-punishment and destructive tendencies)
• Apathy like I never known before

Why I get off my meds is primarily laziness and tired of taking things that regulate me. Alas, it is one of these necessary things in my life at this point. I have an illness that will destroy me and I cannot have that (my wife would kill me :-) ).

I guess I feel alone. I am not the person that I feel I was once. How I wish I could go back to the days of my early twenties where I considered friendships a most valuable comodity. Now I sometimes could care less if I had a friend left in the world because I feel as though no one would even care about me anymore (what is there to care about I guess). I struggle just to find conversation now as I have nothing there to talk about. I find myself wishing God would just let me die as I have nothing left to give anymore--or so I feel.

Well, despite of how I feel, I trudge onward. I may be gaining weight and may be on anti-psychoitic meds but I still have something left to give. I am taking training this weekend in becoming a communion server. What a honor that I can serve others by giving them a grand and beautiful example of God's grace through the bread and the wine. Communion has always been a most beautiful thing to me--a sign that, despite my insuffiency--God invites me to dine with him in complete and utter acceptance. Maybe I will be inspired to be more through this act of mercy.

In His care....

Well, it HAS been a while...

I guess I have been feeling lazy lately...not wanting to write down the stuff that has been going on. Perhaps thats it...not much HAS been going on. I have officially stopped seeing my counselor as he and I both feel I have progressed enough to try it on my own for a while. I will be reporting in after a couple more months. I am still seeing a psychiatrist to regulate my meds. It is a little discouraging though seeing him in some ways, not that he knows it. Discouraging not because of anything he has done but because he says my case is so unique. Unique that it had been hard for him to diagnose which causes me to doubt if my mental state is mental at all but spiritual. I struggle being a Christian. I many times, God forgive me, wish I wasn't a Christian, so that I don't have to follow all these damn rules that are in my head. There is the first problem--Christianity is not about rules but about a relationship with God. All the stuff I do, good works and all, come out of love for our God, not out of fearful obediance ("Perfect love casts out all fear"). I still cannot help it though. I pray so infrequently. I fear reading scripture. I am so quick to become angry and impatient. I just want to be left alone so that no one will hurt me. How can people go to church and be preached at and survive is beyond me. Thank God I am at a church that touches all of its messages with grace (but then my OCD just jumps right in and says it is just a watered down version. That I am just running away from God. Ironically, it is my OCD that has caused my running away more then the church has contributed).
What makes things worse is that I have been gaining weight. At least I can say that it isn't totally my fault as some of the meds I have been on/am currently on due promote weight gain. I am doing what I can so as to not gain any more weight but currently do not have the desire nor will power to lose it. There is a song from the group Ringside that has been speaking to me lately. The lyrics speak of the person's struggle to become free from that which is tying him down, from the oppresion of those who who delight in keeping him where he is at. I haven't figured out all the lyrical nuances but, at minimum, the chorus speaks to me.

There goes Elvis kicking up a landslide
Close shave now he's back on the flipside
Stretch taxi gonna fly me to the Hollywood Bowl
It's a bitch Jack when you need some feedback
You hang while they hold you and you never get the ring back
But I like you best when you're down with the rest of us

I just want to move ahead
I just want to free myself -- but it's a struggle
I just want to stay in bed
I just want to be myself -- but it's a struggle

Milk the mailboy you just might get some insight
Knock it back, Jack you're faded but you're alright
Make sense of the mess I'm just taking the piss out of you

I just want to move ahead
I just want to free myself -- but it's a struggle
I just want to stay in bed
I just want to be myself -- but it's a stuggle

It just helps to know that someone else is struggling with himself.

One of these days, I think I will write down some more of the stuff that is in me. For now, this poem I found will have to do as it spoke to me:
http://scrupulosityocd.blogspot.com/2006/07/pain-of-heart-and-mind.html

God bless you in your journey.

Have a Joyous Easter!

Indeed, the most beautiful and stupendous of Christian holidays. May it be beautiful for you and may you find the risen Christ be a source of hope as you trudge along the path of your Sacred Journey.
Father, my heart is hard. Soften it ever so gently with your tender mercy.
Abba, my mind is impure. Purify it so I desire not those things which further destroy.
Sweet Jesus, my hands are unclean. Strengten them to raise them in honor of the Father.
Alpha and Omega, I cannot pray. Inspire my dreams and saturate them to desire nought else but your glourious presence.
Lord Jehovah, may your grace be always sufficient for me and my brothers and sisters who struggle looking down the path we must walk on. Grant us courage, kindness, peace, joy, patience, and self-control so that we may glorify you.
Daddy, I love you.

Just when I thought things were going well...

...I linked over to a Christian evangelism site that seemed more determined to convert Christians to its point of view rather than give people a source of hope amidst their darkness. I foolishly browsed through it thinking I would be ok in doing so. It was then that I hit a section of the site that was espousing a view that it is possible to lose one's salvation and I started breaking down a little. I couldn't help think I was THAT PERSON who had lost their salvation because my faith wasn't strong enough, I didn't "do" enough, and that I didn't show enough proof that I was saved because of my lack of a desire for holiness (nothing wrong with holiness mind you...I can't help but see it as more restrictive and binding then something that is a good and pure thing). In taking a shower that evening, I began hitting myself again and had to stop myself from cutting myself with a razor. Today, I had to keep myself from hitting my head with a pot while I was cooking. No damage done as I still have some control. My psychologist is right in telling me that while I may feel good, I am not out of the woods yet (and, in fact, even when I get out of the woods, they will never be far behind me). Funny thing is that I am not asking God why this is happening to me...I am more asking God to forgive me for doubting that He will never leave or forsake as He promised me years ago as a young boy, afraid and alone in the wilderness. It is amazing how simple words have such a powerful effect on me. All I can do is keep trusting and hang tight...Jesus is coming soon to take me home.

I am not alone

Check out this blog I found--http://scrupulosityocd.blogspot.com/. It pretty much describes another person's issues with ocd (Specifically with scrupulosity, the type of OCD I struggle with and am recovering from even today). I find it thereputic to know I am not alone with this struggle.

While things are still in recovery mode for me, I am certainly not out of the woods yet. Just last weekend I was wrestling with thoughts of perpetiual "you must obey", "obey obey obey" , "obedience means you have no choice and you are lost", "obedience is a must if you are a Christian and since you cannot obey, you are a terriable Christian and are not saved" (you know, the typical stuff). All because of a small group I was in that started talking about obedience and children. I will no longer be a part of this group...it is too much for me at this point.

I am now on three medications: one for depression, one for my OCD, and another to help me with my feelings of apathy (a side effect of the OCD medication). Feeling great lately as I can go through many days without feeling like I am lost and without hope. Kinda nice...thank God for medication.

update

It has been some time. But here I am in a nutshell:

--Am on new medication...eeegads, ME..on anti-psychotic meds. I don't reveal this too often at work or in public due to the stigma around this. But are the meds working? All in all, yes. The voices have subsided enough for me to really 'start over' again. I am breathing the free air again and celebrating God's gift of life.

--Right now, I feel really indifferent towards life in general. Cannot truly say why. I like my job, I have a new baby boy. Well, I guess the job is getting stressful more than usual and my grandmother who I was close to passed away a month ago, and well, the baby boy and the other two kids adds to the stress...perhaps I am selfish in saying this, but there are days I want to run away (where to is the question); however, I still get out of bed, go to work, and come home to a messy house that I have no energy or desire to clean. Sigh. My sister in law reminded me of a scene in the movie Sleepless in Seattle where Tom Hank's character gets out of bed, so distraught over the loss of his wife, finding it difficult to survive...he eventually comes to realize that he needs to (badly paraphrased here), "...get out of bed with having to remind myself to breath every time I get up...its in time when I get out of bed that I begin to breathe natually without having to remind myself to do it" Time has certainly been a healer for me and I wish I could say I am a better person for it...I don't feel that I am a better person: my heart is hard, my anger has strengthened, my patience grows thin, my mind is forgetful, and I have an ambivalent demeanor. I am too scared to ask God to soften me--where will it lead????

--I find myself not wanting to go back to the life I once had. I want to be a different person now. I want to be more care free, more happy, less religious, slightly ambitious, and, more so, enjoy life without feeling guilty for it. I feel as though I want to leave the church for an extended period of time (not my faith, mind you...Jesus is the way, Truth, and Life...I believe this with all my heart and that would be impossible to let go of). Again, that is the selfish side of me speaking. I just don't want to deal with any more Bible lessons, more to do lists, more to don't lists, more of the things that have set me off in the past into a tailspin of chaos.

Despite what I have said above, things ARE improving. The knives are rarely shooting out of my hand as they once did..in fact, even when I think they will shoot out, they don't. Nothing 'comes out' of my fingers as it once did.

I hope to write on other things sometime soon...I am tired of writing of myself.

A breath of fresh air....at church no less!

Last Sunday, I went to a semi-liturgical Lutheran service--an attempt to get back to my roots of where I originally found faith--and was 'confronted' with this truth: Christian living is not about perfection, it is about growth. It was as if the words were sinking in my sub-conscious for the first time and I just wanted to laugh for joy as it was the first time in a long time I had heard such a freeing statement coming from a pastor that actually contributed to helping me towards healing from my obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

I am still too scared to read the Bible...scared it will do the same things the voices have done and 'force' me to do things I cannot do. While this is probably OCD, I have not the strength to fight it. This will come in time I imagine.

Check out this article from Jeff Overstreet: http://www.lookingcloser.org/music/favorites2004.htm (I know, you see me post a lot from him, I just appreciate his insight into things...I will try to find other authors too someday). This flies straight in the face of traditional evangelicals who wish to have everything 'pure' in their music and distinguish between christian and 'secular' lyrics.

How the music of U2 is a healing salve over my gaping wounds...

I have begun to listen to a lot of the group U2 lately and they are quickly becoming one of my favorite groups of all time. I am only now beginning to realize the importance they have had in my healing. Since the vast majority of the lyrics are written by Bono, the lead singer, it is really a reflection on his journey of faith, political struggles, and reflections on love and life. If you actually take time to reflect on his lyrics, the man is truly one great poet who, I believe, is a true Christian believer despite the flack he receives for his vast wealth and questionable behavior (and I am not the only one...see Jeff Overstreet's blog on the issue: http://lookingcloser.blogspot.com/2005/05/for-those-still-telling-me-bono-isnt.html).
It is his commentary on faith, both direct and indirect, that he communicates the joys, struggles, and hope found in faith.
It is this direct and raw realism that has communicated to my spirit and has allowed to let the real Chris Hjelmberg every so slightly move out of his box for God to slowly take and heal his shivering soul. Lets face it folks, I am scared of God sometimes...scared that He will force me to do something beyond what I can bear, suck all the joy I have in doing the activities I enjoy, both spiritual and non-spiritual including hobbies, work, church activities, etc.. and, worse yet, scared to realize that my salvation from the blood of Christ never really occurred because I haven't given enough (or, to use the evangelical cliche, "giving 100%") of my life to Jesus Christ and to serving Him fully (like that is truly possible...if it were, I think there would be no need for Christ to come in the first place).
Legalism/spiritual perfectionism has sucked me dry and I need a drop from the Living Water to begin growing fruit once again and to serve again, without fear, with the gifts, courage, and talents God has given me, and with JOY.
With this fear, I have turned away from most "Christian" music as it has done me more harm then good (a lot of it, even worship music, is too preachy for me and not a true reflection of life and its vast struggles...alas, how I wish for more true talent that isn't placed against a filter of 'spiritual purity', that hasn't all its spiritual I's and T's crossed/dotted, something real that says, "Hey! I don't have it all together either folks even though you think I should since I am this 'big' singer and all. Here are MY struggles...). It is here that I have turned to instrumental music and U2:

--U2 has shown me it is ok to get what is on the inside, to the outside--i.e. like God don't know anyway...you just probably aren't honest with yourself in the first place. A couple songs have shown this to me (I include the lyrics for reflective purposes--due to the fact that I would be writing a book if I commented extensively on each of them, I encourage you to see beyond my intial commentary and find your own meaning):

I Still Haven't Found What I am Looking For
(see this as a gospel song...I believe and trust in all the right Person, but, yet, I still search and yearn for something I can get my hands around)

I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found What I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what I am looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colours will bleed into one
But yes I'm still running
You broke the bonds
You loosed the chains
You carried the cross
And my shame
And my shame
You know I believe it
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Wake up Dead Man
(the lyrics shock most Christians, but, please see beyond the one swear word and reflect on why he says it vs. judging the man who said it...is it not a reflection of reality in its true form, can he not truly express the rawness of his pain and present the question of "WHY?")

Jesus, Jesus help me
I'm alone in this world
and a f**cked up world it is too
tell me, tell me the story
the one about eternity
and the way it's all gonna be
WAKE UP WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Jesus, I'm waiting here boss
I know you're looking out for us
but maybe your hands aren't free
your Father, He made the world in seven
He's in charge of heaven
will you put a word in for me
WAKE UP WAKE UP DEAD MAN

listen to your words they'll tell you what to do
listen over the rhythm that's confusing you
listen to the reed in the saxaphone
listen over the hum of the radio
listen over sounds of blades in rotation
listen through the traffic and circulation
listen as hope and peace try to rhyme
listen over marching bands playing out their time
WAKE UP WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Jesus, were you just around the corner?
did You think to try and warn her?
or are you working on something new?
If there's an order in all of this disorder
is it like a tape recorder?
can we rewind it just once more.
WAKE UP WAKE UP DEAD MAN

--I have learned that judgementalism and over zealousness for the proclamation of THE truth, --without grace, mercy, and understanding that you too fit in this thing called the human condition--becomes something more deadly and damaging to the chosen cause then you dare to dream. It is this zealousness of others that has led to much damage within my life.

Please
(my favorite U2 song of all time)

so you never knew love until you crossed the line of grace
and you never felt wanted till you had someone slap your face
so you never felt alive until you almost wasted away

you had to win
you couldn't just pass
the smartest ass
at the top of the class
your flying colours
your family tree
and all your lessons in history

please...please...please get up off your knees...please...please...please...leave me out of this
please

and you never knew how low you'd stoop to make that call
and you never knew what was on the ground till they made you crawl
and you never knew that the heaven you keep you stole

your catholic blues
your convent shoes
your stick on tattoos
now they're making the news
your holy war
your northern star
your sermon on the mount
from the boot of your car
please...please...please get up off your knees...please...please...please...leave me out of this
please

so love is hard and love is tough
but love is not what you're thinking of.

september...streetss capsizing...spilling over down the drain
...shards of glass splinters like rain but you could only feel your own pain...
october...talking getting nowhere...november...december...remember...
are we just starting again...?

please...please...please get up off your knees...please...please...please...leave me out of this

so love is big bigger than us
but love is not what you're thinking of
IT'S what lovers deal it's what lovers steal
you know I've found it hard to receive
'cause you my love I could never believe

--That despite the vast love of my Father for me, the fact I still run away many times, much like Adam did in the garden, is nothing new and my Holy Father (Bless His Holy name!) still adores His child. I can approach Him as I am, not as I should be.

The First Time
(I still cry upon hearing this song as the depths of my soul relate to this painful, yet hopeful lyric)

I have a lover
A lover like no other
She got soul, soul, soul, sweet soul
And she teach me how to sing

Shows me colours when there's none to see
Gives me hope when I can't believe that
For the first time I feel love

I have a brother,
When I'm a brother in need
I spend my whole time running
He spends his running after me

When I feel myself goin' down
I just call and he comes around
But for the first time I feel love

My father is a rich man
He wears a rich man's cloak
Gave me the keys to his kingdom (coming)
Gave me a cup of gold
He said "I have many mansions
And there are many rooms to see"
But I left by the back door
And I threw away the key...
For the first time
For the first time
For the first time
I feel love

--Last, but not least, I have relearned the definition of grace. 100% distilled 180 proof bottle of pure grace that I can never drink enough of.

Grace

Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace, it's the name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

This is certainly not the complete list of songs but just a taste of what the lyrics and music of U2 have helped me. For that, I thank God for His provision and for His everlasting faithfulness.

Is this what "normal" feels like????

I can say this much, I THINK I feel normal today. In fact, miracles of miracles, I prayed this morning...just a simple prayer. Nothing fancy, nothing spectacular, more like three-four sentences but it was a stepping stone for me. You see, most of the voices and panic attacks that I experienced occurred in the morning (as I am most vulnerable in the morning). For once, I prayed something like this: "God, thank you for life. Thank you that I do not have to listen to the voices in my head. Thank you for creating me and accepting me as I am not as I should be. I praise your Holy name. Amen"

...and you know what, I heard NOTHING. No condemnation, no orders to open up a kiddie park in Walla Walla, Washington, no fear that if I pray I will have to "give it all up over and over and over and over and over and over...etc." again to be worthy before God. NOTHING. Alleluia!!

You see, it is the fear of the voices and fear of hearing the next "command" of God (i.e.God's next marching order for me to do else face whatever) that kept me away, drove me to fear anything spritual. It is still hard for me to go to church, I don't like it as all I hear now is "do this" and "do that". Gary has been saying, and I agree with him, that this time in my life, I need messages of Grace, Love, Acceptance, Redemption, etc. not the "dos" and "don'ts" of Christian spritual disciplines. It is with this knowledge that I have decided to take a sabatical away from my current church. Nothing wrong with my current church by no means, but it is in a different place then where I am at right now. My church's messages are teaching spiritual disciplines...I hear the word "discipline" and I freak. I need grace, I need mercy, I need somewhere I can be myself and not have to be told to be something more than what I can give.

Two weeks ago, I went to visit a Lutheran church. I was raised Lutheran and so I thought it might be of some help to me to kind of go "back to my roots", back to where my faith started and "start over" again. It was ok...I really enjoy the liturgy now more than I ever did before in my youth. Guess you have to be older to really get a liturgy and to really appreciate formal public worship. I will be trying a different church next week. My wife, God bless her, has had great patience. She still attends the current church and probably thinks I am going "through a phase". Who knows...

What I am so grateful for now is that I do not have to worry about holiness any longer, because of Jesus, I can face tomorrow without shame. I can face life without fear (but still find it ok to be afraid). I can enjoy life without condemnation. Am I starting to become more "normal"? If so, it is still quite scary. What is normal anyway? Are we ever normal until we are at home with Jesus? Perhaps that is what this sacred journey is all about: getting things back to normal, the way things were meant to be. Alas, I have given myself much time to get back to "normal" ...perhaps we are all in recovery and just only a few of us, who are really messed up, truly ever realize it. If that is the case, if it points me back to sufficiency in Christ vs. me worrying about what I have done (or didn't do) for Him, oh blessed recovery!!

What is hurting me the most?

It is with some delight to say that it has been a good week. My psychologist, Gary, has been helpful in helping me deal with the sudden onslaught of frozen paralysis, "knives", fear, etc. that just comes my way. What I am experiencing is my sub-conscious brain just going wild and free. You see, the sub-conscious knows no record of time (so yesterday is like today), not to mention that it has the brains of a three year old child since the conscious brain holds the 'smarts' (for all practical purposes, I will call my sub-conscious my 'dumb brain'). My past has been one of turmoil, abuse, and shame-- abuse, divorce, high demands by authority figures, etc. In addition, the chemical imbalance causing my depression is making matters worse. It is no wonder why I struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder and "voices" in my head--don't get me wrong, we all have voices in our head but my voices become manipulative, controlling, and bring me down to levels of paranoia, depression, and intense anxiety that it becomes uncontrollable. With the medication, it has come under control and has helped me feel normal enough to deal with the issue. This doesn't stop the dumb brain however as it still continues to attack with shame and guilt causing me to head towards a tailspin. I have learned this is my dumb brain attempting to resolve the spritiual, emotional, and psychological conflict of insufficiency, shame, divorce, high demads of authority figure, etc. through the only means that it knows (as it was the thing it was trained to do from early on): through more shame and high demands. With that said, I am now learning to essentially "talk back" to myself, saying, "Dumb brain, I know you are trying to help me, but you are not helping me so I will ignore you" The point is to diffuse what the source of the shame, to re-teach it truth and not allow the things of the past, present, and future bring me down to the point where there is no hope and no future. Case in point: last Thursday I began reading an e-mail sent to me by Christianity Today Movies where it had an article on Star Wars. As an aside, I am not a Star Wars nut--personally, Star Trek is more intelligent and enjoyable for me--but I do enjoy the fairy tale and science fiction aspect of the whole series, especially its major themes of falling from grace and, ultimately, redemption. Anyway, the article began telling the story about how its author was really looking forward to Episode III coming out next month, halfway through the story he began bringing his story towards an e-mail he received from some individual with a link to a web site insisting Christians "fast" from Star Wars and insisting to not give into temptation and to consider your walk with Christ being threatened from the 'evils' of Star Wars. Immediately, knives starting shooting out not only from my hands but, for the first time, from my feet as well. The voices in my head were screaming at me to give up everything else my salvation would be on the line, my relationship with Christ destoyed, etc. It froze me for about ten seconds before I immediately deleted the e-mail and began talking back to disarm the attack by own mind. It worked...

I have more to write but little time...suffice to say, it was a good week because I am learning to talk back to that which is hurting me the most: myself.

A hard day...

What a day...my mind is free one moment, but then the next a thought and/or voice comes in my brain ("Do you realize your life is not yours...give it up as nothing is yours anymore and nothing can break you free of this!", "Don't you dare enjoy this world, else you do not love God", "Don't buy that, that can be used for the poor and you call yourself a child of God"). Sometimes it isn't a voice but something just causes my mind to just freeze and I feel like I cannot breathe or move for 10 seconds. Worse yet, the "knives" (again, pretend knives) come out unexpectedly and I have to keep them from "stabbing" me. Weird, you say? Generally, I agree (but I would guess most of us have thoughts weird things). Well, believe it or not, I have been used to these kind of thoughts for a while...just never this extreme, never this obscene. My psychologist has indicated and has convinced me that this is my sub-conscious mind which is like a three-year old child--has no concept of time (hence, why the punishing words which come from my past), no concept of grace except if I perform. I am at the end of my rope sometimes and I just want to run away. Run away from God, run away from people, run away and never come back. What else can I say....it is as if I am at the end of the road. My choices are left or right, life or death. How I long for the simple days of my faith when serving and loving were a pleasure, where my relationship with God was of simple faith and love. Now, it is drudgery, joylessness, and pure monarchy. I know we are not robots, nor did God design us to be robots...why then must we choose to be robots. I was beginning to enjoy my job again when the knives came out and my started to freeze. If you are still reading this, I applaud your patience. If you no longer wish to talk to me, I do not blame you. Forgive me friends for not being the friend I am supposed to be. I must continue to run to my spiritual comfort zone, as my psychologist and I call it. It is that place of safety which includes:

--Jesus as my brother and lover holding me closely and saying nothing to me but just holding me, accepting me where I am at and loving me as I am with no expectations but just love.
--The Father saying to me, "Welcome to the Kingdom of God." and "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
--The Spirit giving me hope for the future, that my future will be one that I will embrace vs. fear. Enjoy vs. loathe. Belong to rather than just being in. Likeable vs. despisable.

Do you realize how many grace killers there are out there? They would see the zone I just described as "not enough" Many would ask, "Where's the Lordship?" "Where's the repentence?" "Where's the dedication?" "Where's the sacrafice?" Do they not see that I have nothing else to give. All I have to offer is worthless as I am in nothing but rags. At this point, nothing else matters then just a heart that loves to just be with his Father in a safe place, even if it is just a few minutes a day? Friend, I know you are busy, but please spend just one minute of your time and forget about what YOU can do for Christ and just BE. BE who you are, as you are, where you are, and rest in that. Are you perfect? No, of course not...welcome to the club. As a wise man once said to me, "There are no spritiual giants. We are all in same boat."
Right now, it is hard enough to just stay in that boat...

Where have I been? Trying to survive...

Some of you have written to me wondering why I have stopped writing in my blog. Lets just say it has been a really rough year and it has taken a toll on me emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. To make a long story short, in November,2004 I was diagnosed with severe depression, generalized anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder--all focused towards my spiritual side of life. Symptoms included:

• --Major headaches
• --Significant throat pain
• --Voices that kept screaming in my head ordering me to do X else Y will happen to me (e.g. Go to Mexico and start an orphanage else you will be out of the will of God, be a missionary in Haiti else you will suffer here and now, quit my job and be prepared to sell my house, be prepared to allow you and your kids to suffer, etc.).
• --Hopelessness
• --Hatred of self
• --Feelings that I would never be able to do the things I had wanted to.
• Intense sobbing and uncontrollable emotional pain.
• --Not wanting to get out of bed (sleep was the only peace I felt from the pain).
• --Loss of focus, especially at work.
• --...and the kicker, lots of thoughts of suicide as it was all I "deserved" (it was on my way home from Promise Keepers where I was staring at the road of the bus wishing I could jump off the moving bus)

To put it to you lightly, this thing literally knocked me out and has rocked my world in the most severest of ways (lets just say this...imagine your worst fear, multiply it times 50, then hear "God" tell you to do it else go to hell). It was like having your psyche and spriritual self "raped"...it sounds harsh but, indeed, that the way it felt!!
Any enjoyment of life and the things that bring pleasure, including my life with God, and the joy of service towards others was treated with fear, loathing, insufficiency ("you are not doing enough" and "If you were truly God's child, you would do this instead of that") and sadness by the non-spiritual forces within my brain (futher complicated by some spiritual forces for sure). For months on end I thought my problems were all spiritual and I had better "come to grips with the truth" else lose my relationship and peace with God. Things just got worse until my neighbor and my wife suggested to me that this might be something else. It turned out, with a Pastor, my doctor, and my Christian psychologist's confirmation, to be a mental illness. I am on medication and am in weekly meetings with a Christian psychologist now who is helping me tremendously. With the medication, things are starting to feel "normal" now (though feeling normal is only part of being normal). Unfortunately, because of the nature of my illness, any major spiritual challenge/message/etc. could send me in a tailspin including:

• --Running away from God when I should run towards Him.
• --Seclusion
• --Moments of paranoia and fixation of my sinfulness despite the fact that the cross has taken care of such issues (a person with obsessive compulsive disorder finds it hard to shake free from this though).
• --Self-hatred--I have to fight back images of me impailing myself with pretend knives (I must emphasize PRETEND...I am not hurting myself for real nor am I desiring to hurt myself. These 'knives' are just means of self-punishment for me not being 'perfect')
• --For me, it complicates any relationships I could have bringing out a fear of people, especially towards Christians.

Needless to say, I have avoided any significant teaching (it is hard enough for me to hear a sunday sermon or even a worship song at times!). I lately have found it easier to go to a liturgical service more than the traditional 'evangelical' service I am accustomed to. Reason being is that I know what to expect in a liturgical service and it is familiar to me (me being an old Lutheran and all). I relish the times when I can go my in-laws Catholic service because it is very liturgical and I have had more times where I could connect with God without fear there than anywhere else.

How am I doing right now?

• --AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING BOASTFUL, THOUGH I MEAN NOT TO, I BELIEVE ONE OF MY GREATEST STRENGTHS IS IN BEING REAL OF WHERE I AM AT AND BEING ABLE TO EXPRESS THAT (MOST OF THE TIME AT LEAST :-) ). MY PSYCHOLOGIST HAS SAID THAT THIS IS INDEED SOMETHING RARE IN HIS EXPERIENCE--WHICH HAS ENCOURAGED ME--AS IT IS REALLY HARD FOR HIM TO HAVE PEOPLE AT TOUCH WITH THEMSELVES ENOUGH TO EXPRESS WHAT IS GOING ON AND BE HONEST ABOUT IT. HE USUALLY SPENDS 10 SESSIONS TEACHING THEM HOW TO DO THAT SO I JUST SAVED MYSELF SOME MONEY :-). Being real has helped me to talk about things a lot easier.
• --I AM ON STRONGER MEDICATION AND IT HAS TRULY HELPED ME FEEL NORMAL.
• --I no longer feel like I want to be myself anymore. Frankly, if the Lord took me away right now so I no longer had to go through life, I would be a happy man. I FEEL as though I have been stripped away and the Chris Hjelmberg you once knew is pretty much 'dead' I don't know what of me is left anymore...time will tell. I just want to get through each day and pray I can be myself without fear again.
• --I do not have the courage to heal. Healing means I have to confront the pains and terrors that away me. Healing means I will have to go back into the frey of life. I do not know what healing will do for me but I am scared that, after I heal, I will have to grow up and do things beyond what I can bear, will have to love more than I can love, will have to be someone who I cannot be, will have to do things I cannot do or do not want to do, and that these cursed voices will come back to rape me once again.

If you feel so inclined to pray, pray THAT I HAVE THE COURAGE TO HEAL AND THE COURAGE TO TRUST OTHERS. I HONESTLY STRUGGLE IN BOTH AREAS. I AM SCARED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY CHRISTIANS (OUT OF FEAR I WILL BE TORN DOWN OR BE PREACHED AT/"FIXED" WITH A SIMPLE FORMULA, "YOUR PROBLEM IS AN OBEDIANCE PROBLEM...", "YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU DON'T PRAY ENOUGH...", "MAYBE YOU AREN'T A CHRISTIAN AFTER ALL...", "SATAN IS AT WORK IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU BETTER DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT..."). ALAS, IF THE CHRISTIAN LIFE COULD BE SIMPLIFIED INTO A FORMULA, IF IT ONLY WOULD BE "IF YOU DO 'A', THEN 'B' WILL RESULT"...NO, NOTHING IS THAT SIMPLE. Nothing is every that formulaic. No one scripture will do the healing work.

IF I HAVE LEARNED ANYTHING, I HAVE LEARNED WHAT MAJOR DEPRESSION CAN DO TO A PERSON, and what it can do to any person (heck, I never thought depression was like this...ack!). THIS MAY SOUND STRANGE TO YOU, BUT I WAS ECHOING STRONGLY THE WORDS OF JOB, WORDS I WOULD HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD, OR ECHOED, COMPLETELY IF IT WERE NOT FOR WHAT I WENT THROUGH :

"OH, THAT I MIGHT HAVE MY REQUEST, THAT GOD WOULD GRANT WHAT I HOPE FOR, THAT GOD WOULD BE WILLING TO CRUSH ME, TO LET LOOSE HIS HAND AND CUT ME OFF! THEN I WOULD STILL HAVE THIS CONSOLATION--MY JOY IN UNRELENTING PAIN--THAT I HAD NOT DENIED THE WORDS OF THE HOLY ONE. WHAT STRENGTH DO I HAVE, THAT I SHOULD STILL HOPE? WHAT PROSPECTS, THAT I SHOULD BE PATIENT? DO I HAVE STRENTH OF STONE? IS MY FLESH BRONZE? DO I HAVE ANY POWER TO HELP MYSELF, NOW THAT SUCCESS HAS BEEN DRIVEN FROM ME." --JOB 6:8-13.

WAS I CLOSE TO COMMITING APOSTASY? THOUGH I FELT LIKE IT, THOUGH I HAD WANTED TO RUN AWAY, THOUGH I DESIRE TO "DO LIFE" 100% ON MY OWN, THE ANSWER IS NO AS I HAD NO WHERE ELSE TO TURN (I am a terrible "god" ). BUT I SAW MY FAITH DANGLING ON A STRING WITH ONLY A SINGLE WORD FROM GOD THERE TO CUT IT OFF. I FEEL TIRED, I FEEL AFRAID, AND I FEEL ALONE.

IT WAS AT PROMISE KEEPERS THAT I RE-LEARNED THIS ONE THING IN A DRAMATIC WAY: HOLINESS IS IMPOSSIBLE WITHOUT THE WORK OF GOD MOVING THROUGH YOU, BY THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB. I AM IN NEED OF A SAVIOUR FOR MY PAST, IN MY PRESENT, AND ESPECIALLY MY FUTURE!!!

THIS EXPERIENCE HAS MADE ME MORE CALVINISTIC THEN I THOUGHT POSSIBLE AS I TRULY HAVE COME TO BELIEVE THE WORDS OF PAUL, "HE [GOD] WILL KEEP YOU STRONG TO THE END, SO THAT YOU WILL BE BLAMELESS ON THE DAY OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST." (1 COR 1:9).

GOD IS MY STRENGTH FOR SURE AND I BELIEVE THAT THE WORK HE BEGAN WILL BE COMPLETED IN ME UNTIL THE DAY OF OUR PRESCIOUS SAVIOUR'S RETURN, BUT THE DEMANDS OF "THE VOICES" (MY SUB-CONSCIOUS STEMMING FROM YEARS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE FROM MY STEP-FATHER AND OTHER "STUFF" [A MUCH BIGGER STORY]) WERE SUCH THAT I AM TOO SCARED TO FULLY TRUST, TOO BRUISED TO WANT TO HEAL, AND TOO ANGRY TO HOPE. IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, HIS SWEETEST PATIENCE, RELENTLESS TENDERNESS, PURSUING LOVE, AND SWEET FRAGRANCE OF FORGIVENESS, I ...I CARE NOT MENTION WHAT HORRORS WOULD AWAIT ME.

MY DEAR FRIEND, I ASK OF YOU A LARGE FAVOR: HAVE MERCY ON ME, A SINNER. HAVE PATIENCE WITH ME IN MY IMPATIENCE. CONTINUE TO PURSUE ME GENTILY EVEN THOUGH I MAY RUN. WEEP WITH ME IN MY SORROW. REJOICE WHEN I SAY A SIMPLE PRAYER. BE SLOW TO SPEAK AND QUICK TO LISTEN DESPITE MY GRUMBLINGS. OFFER HOPE IN MY HOPELESSNESS. Encourage me with the hope of salvation, not with the wrath of punishment. DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF ME WHEN I TREMBLE AND DOUBT. Catch me when I fall (or at least insist I get up :-) ). Be completely yourself and enjoy the things you enjoy even more when I am around...seeing you enjoy things is as so theraputic to me as it helps me see you enjoy your humanity rather than despise it.

I hope to keep journaling my healing as I walk this sacred journey.

Dear God, I hold true to the words you have spoken to me many years ago, and which is spoken by You numerous times in Your Word, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" Amen.

I choose God...

My wife and I are going to a spritual retreat next week to The Cove--a ministry/training center started by Billy Graham, located out in North Carolina. I am eagerly looking forward to this and eagerly looking forward to enjoying my Lord all the more. The last few months have been a time of refining and change...enough that I feel I need the time to focus on Christ and His love for me. There were many days that I feared praying only because I feared that God would, in my legalistic mind, whip me into doing something I couldn't bear or would be beyond what I am equipped to do.
It is times like this where the battle for the mind is becoming quite apprent to me and I need to soak it in the pure Word of God (The Bible) in order to help discern truth from fiction. I can either be a Christian who stands on God's Word and proclaims the liberty found in Jesus Christ (and there is!) or I can be a Christian who follows his every feelings or every thought/voice that comes my way, no matter how contraditory these thoughts may be or even how good the "spiritual" activity the thoughts are proposing may be.
Just this trip to The Cove alone was a major struggle--my desire was to worship God and draw near and enjoy Him, to stop the fear and embrace the loving arms of my Saviour. Satan's desire is to take me away -- to draw me closer to a religion of "good works" instead of pursuit of the One who loves me most. I write this now to say, I HAVE DECIDED. I choose to pursue God and His tender mercies, I choose the God who proclaims me His friend through faith(trust) in Jesus, I choose the God who has given me HIS rightiousness through the shed blood of Christ. I choose to trust in God and not in the voices that keep screaming in my ear.
I pray you choose Him too.
I will have a report for you about the retreat after it is done. I am coming broken with no expectations, with fear and trembling, and with hope that the good work God started in me will be further brought to completion through the redemptive blood of Jesus.

Lord, keep me alive in you. Help me to delight in you and to find joy in you. I want to laugh and dance again--I need to laugh and dance again. I do not like myself anymore as I am not the same happy person I was 10+years ago. I think I lived freely then and am scared to live freely now. I am tired of being religious...all I want is You my dear Lord: Your joy, your rightiousness, your peace, your love. You are my hope, you are my life, you are my saviour and you are my God. Come Lord Jesus!

I learn about God through my kids

(my apologies ahead of time for those of you without kids...but if you desire to have kids someday, then continue to read :-) ).
It is amazing to me what my kids teach me about the love and tenderness of God. I could write a whole book on this one but let me summarize:

• --I learn that God wants to give good things to His children. Case in point: Kendrick, my son, was getting ready for bed. He was playing with his motorcycle. As I pray a short, simple prayer with him before he goes to sleep, I began to realize that he was more interested in that motorcycle instead of praying (duh! What else can you expect from a 3 year old, eh?). I took his motorcycle away and, predictably, he began to complain and cry. I immediately told him, "Kendrick, daddy WANTS you to have and enjoy your motorcycle, but we must put this aside just for now so we can pray. I WILL give it back to you..." Immediately, I sense God speak (paraphrased): "Chris, this is what I also want you to learn. I WANT you to enjoy the gifts I have given you but do not enjoy them over me". I went in tears that night as I was very much struggling with the question: "What things can I enjoy in this world. Can I enjoy a movie? Can I enjoy playing a game on the computer? Can I enjoy anything???" It brought a new level of freedom for me. This freedom is not to sin but to not worry about "doing it right" as God will change me in His mercy and timing.
• --My daughter, every time she sees me for the first time when I pick her up from daycare, just beams and says, "HI DADDY!" This totally melts my heart and my prayer is to only say that to God when I pray. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "ABBA, Father" (Romens 8:15) . ('Abba' means "Daddy" in case you didn't know).
• --Kendrick loves to craw in my lap and just cuddle. From this I learned to crawl in my Heavenly Father's lap, every morning before I get out of bed, lay my head on His lap, and just rest in His arms. I never used to pray before getting out of bed (I am NOT a morning person)...Kendrick, along with other experiences, have brought this in my life.

This is just the beginning...

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14)

An Introduction--Movies and the Christian?

This is my first blog (Thank you to Movie reviewer, Jeff Overstreet, who indirectly introduced this to me by use of his own blog--,Looking Closer).

As a Christian who desperately needs the help of others to walk in this thing called "life", I have decided to begin journaling some thoughts and ideas in hopes that other people can find time to comment. Maybe we can even help each other through this journey. I welcome all Christians, and those who are seeking, to walk this sacred journey with me if they are so inclined.

Where to begin: well, since movies came up, lets start there as this has been a struggle in my life in so many ways. Can a person who call themself a "Christian" like movies? Are there movies that are "off limits" to Christians? A lot of controversey on these questions have cropped up in Christian circles. The range of opinions varies: from the hollywoodjesus.com view that ALL movies are acceptable for a Christian to watch and in EVERY movie you can find some deep-seeded positive spiritual meaning--to the opinion that all movies that do not clearly portray the Gospel and/or Christian values are a waste of time ("evil"?), are "worldly" and are to be avoided at all costs.

For a Christian, there are no easy answers. Through my research, thinking, experience, and prayer, I have come to this conclusion --a lot of movies, including ones with swearing, , violence, and other vices can be acceptable for Christians to watch as God has gifted them with a proper conscience (not all movies, however, are appropriate or even advisable. I myself am somewhat selective on the movies I see...see below for further information).

Here is are some of my reasonings:

• --Movies are but a artistic rendering of a story, just in a visual format. The visual format has its pluses and minuses (but so does the written word...the visual format, at least for me, is easier to identify and relate to). God can use any visual story just like He can use music, a book, or a sermon--these non-visual items are, just like movies, all created by infallible human beings who can error based on their own biases and sin nature. I am to use discernment with a movie just like I do with a sermon. Martin Luther said the following: "O that God should desire that my interpretation and that of all teachers should disappear, and each Christian should come straight to the Scripture alone and to the pure word of God! ...no man can adequately reach and explain a single word of God with all his words...Go to the Bible itself, dear Christians, and let my expositions and those of all scholars be no more than a tool with which to build aright, so that we can understand, taste, and abide in the simple and pure word of God...". I would add extend this idea out to every piece of media outside the Bible, including movies, and let the story be a tool which to build aright keeping in mind that anything can be used for evil or can lead you astray. In my opinion, a sermon that twists the Word of God is more evil then a movie that has 500 swear words in it. I am to the point in my walk now that I ask God to be a part of the film I am watching, if I decide to watch one, and to teach me what He would have me learn as I desire to draw closer to Him. I have been more blessed by this submission and have come to appreciate movies all the more for it.


• --To those who believe that not watching movies will make them "more pure" before God, please read Galatians chapter 5...while not completely apples to apples, I believe an application can still be made. Paul's words are terse towards a group of legalists (the Judiazers) who believe circumcision will make them in right standing with God. In some of his harshest language ever recorded, he curses the Judiazers by saying "As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!" [verse 15] . In the same way, if one believes that JUST by the "GOOD WORK" of avoiding movies will make them in better standing with God, they might as well go the whole way and avoid all stories all together...and avoid the society that watches these movies too by locking themselves in a room with their Bible! In the words of the apostle Paul, these people "...have been alienated from Christ; ...[and] have fallen away from grace." [Galatians 5:4]. I don't know about you, but the idea of believing that my own "good" works can draw me away from God frightens me. God forbid that I believe any of my good works, regardless of what they are (witnessing, praying, reading scripture, giving to the poor, etc.), will make me in better standing with God. I do the good works out of the work that Christ has done in me, out of love and gratitude to my Lord, not out of belief that I will be made right by that action in and of itself. God forbid this ever from happening in my life--it is a form of idolatry as it makes me responsible for my salvation and sanctification. This must be crushed! Don't get me wrong, there are movies out there that do not edify and, therefore, should probably not be seen--my job is to discern the good from the bad and not to throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. The "good" and the "bad" must be decided by each person however (for example, the movies, "Moulin Rouge" and "Magnolia" are scandalous to most conservative Christians, yet, if you look beyond the surface, they are movies of great redemptive value and have drawn me closer to God because of their representation of the truth found within the scriptures). I must admit that someone who chooses not to watch movies or is very selective on the movies they watch is not necessarily a legalist. Some choose not to because:
  
  a.) Movies are a means by which the person draws away from God instead of drawing near Him (i.e.they find their life from film rather than from God)...if that is the case, this is idolatry and must be dealt with.
  
  b.) Certain films do contain material that are not artistic, nor are edifying to the individual on a subjective level. At this point, one should consider not seeing that movie as it does not draw the person near to God but has an opposite effect. In other words, each man according to his own conscience and sensibilities.


c.) There is specific struggles with sin and/or a person's conscience is sensitive due to upbringing, culture, sin struggles, etc. (e.g. a person struggling with violent thoughts should probably NOT see a film with extreme violence in it). It is for this reason why I personally review the film's content before I watch the film. There are certain images I know I struggle with, that will lead me astray, and that I do do not want to subject myself to.


• --At times, when I need to laugh, I pray and call a friend. When I need to cry, I pray and I play piano. When I need to share an experience of hurt, I pray and write in a journal. When I feel discouraged and without hope, I pray and I watch "Shrek 2". None of the above actions are inherently immoral...all are amoral. Which of the above is the most biblical response to my emotion? If we look at this logically, none are truly "biblical" but a response based off my personality. Yet, some religious Christians would automatically state that the Shrek 2 movie is wrong because God is not exhorted and, worse yet, has a fairy godmother in it (gotta avoid that "witchcraft"). All I can say is to quote the words of Jesus: "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices--mint, dill, and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law--justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel." (Matthew 23:23, emphasis mine). In other words, the Pharisees are focusing on the minors and are not looking at the big picture of what really matters to God. The reality is is that my friend can be used by God to bring me joy, the piano can be used by God to draw me into worship Him in His presence , the journal can be used by God to heal the hurts inside of me, Shrek can be used by God to permit me to REST in His arms and give me hope for tomorrow (and it has, by the way! I received a well needed laugh despite the seriousness of life).


• --If I am to be salt and light in this fallen world, I need to know what the world is seeing and believes. I am not to be of the world (by following and believing its precepts) but I am still IN the world and need to be present in order to BE salt and light. Movies are not the only place where I can be affected by lies and temptations from the devil...I can also hear the same swear words by going to work, reading a book, listening to the news, walking down the street, playing Monopoly, etc.. If, in a movie, I see someone espouse a humanistic point of view, I will disregard it but note that my neighbor will also be seeing this and it could affect their point of view (case in point: one of my friends saw the movie, "Ghost" which espouses that if you are basically "good" you will go to heaven. If you are basically "bad" you will go to hell. She immediately stated to me, "That is WHAT I BELIEVE WHAT WILL HAPPEN! " How would I truly know what she was talking about unless I saw the same movie and was prepared to approach this false thinking from a biblical perspective [see Romens 3:10-18]?).


• --Good art reflects life, specifically the artist's view of the world. If we are all created in the image of God, then there can be "nuggets" of truth found in such art. One of our many jobs, as sojourns within a fallen world, with the help of the Holy Spirit, is to discover these nuggets of truth and allow them to affect our lives. I argue that even films with swearing, violence, and/or have some merit to the art of storytelling (e.g. the and violence in "Schindler's List" is poignant and is vital to the story of the Jewish struggle. A sanitized version of this movie would do little to help the viewer truly understand the evil befallen on a persecuted people.). I quote Jeff Overstreet, a Christian movie reviewer whose insight I have come to respect:
  
  
  "Art is irreducible to paraphrase. Great art reflects to us something of the artist's apprehension of the world, in its brokenness and beauty. It will reveal both wonderful and ugly things. It will reflect the many ways people behave, the choices they make, and the consequences. It will reward patient examination, and if it's good, it will further reward those who revisit it, offering myriad insights and suggestions that lead us to deeper questions and a greater appreciation for people of other experiences. We cannot judge a work of art by the behavior of the characters in it: their speech, violence...etc. (Otherwise, what do we do with the sordid tales of Scripture?) We certainly cannot demand that art reduce itself to didactic argument, and we especially cannot judge a work based on how far it goes to explicitly spell out the gospel. We can instead look at art and catch glimpses or truth, beauty, and meaning that are available to any man, woman, and child. As Paul wrote in his letter to the Romans said, the mysteries and truths of God are evident to all human beings so that they are without excuse. His glory has been imprinted upon our hearts. It is my goal as a film reviewer to listen for those rumors of glory, look for this moments when the elements in a film congeal to reveal something that has the power to transform us."


• --It comes down to this in my opinion: ANYTHING can be used by God to draw us closer to Himself because EVERYTHING is under His sovereignty. Even if the something is evil, God could use that evil to help the person see that there is something opposite--Absolute Good--and help that person desire and draw near that one God who can provide TRUE life (just ask someone who was formerly involved in Satanism...no one else can differentiate light from dark like they can! In the context of movies, I saw "Die Hard 2" around 2 months ago and it had so much senseless swearing in it that I personally felt disgusted...I desired to be as far away from that movie as possible and ended up praying that evening because of my bad feelings. Was it good that I watched that film--for me, no. Did God use it to bring me to his loving arms, ABSOLUTELY).

Now don't get me wrong...I am not encouraging anyone to go out to see "House of 1000 Corpses" in hopes to find God. Nor am I saying everyone is called to my convictions (heaven forbid! While I am a child of God, I am a Child of God who still sins!).
What I AM saying is that, in all you do, in regards to movies (or any leisure activity you like to do), is to invite God to be part of the experience, use discernment to determine if the movie is appropriate for you, use that same discernment, along with scripture, to determine the nuggets of truth, enjoy the gift, and worship the Giver!

Regardless of the decision you make, I encourage you to remember that God creates each man with a conscience and not all consciences are alike. With that, it is wise, regardless of our opinion on this issue, to not condemn or think less of a person who watches movies (or, in my case, condemn someone who does not watch movies). As Paul indicates, "Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak." (1st Cor. 8:9). In addition, Jesus, in Matthew 9:13, states very clearly (this is my favorite verse by the way :-) ): "But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have come to not call the righteous but sinners." Christ came here and worked with the fallen, the ragamuffins, the prostitues, the tax collectors, the movie watchers, and the non-movie watchers. With these words, I boast of my weaknesses as the chief of sinners. I do not revel in sin, of course (who would, after just receiving an antidote for the poison they just took, would decide to partake in the poison again "just for kicks"), but will admit my brokenness. It is with this attitude, when I see a Christian do wrong, I will call it sin-- yet with full acknowledgement of my sinfulness; thereby, identifying myself with the fallen person instead of judging.

I am sure there are many holes in my thinking but this is just the beginning of my thinking (and my first draft :-) )....so I welcome your feedback and gentle correction. For some more thinking on this issue, check out

Christianity Today's discussion on this very topic.

In upcoming blogs, I will hopefully bring to light several movies that are significant in my walk with Christ and that God has used to help shape me into the person I am today. God bless you in your journey.